What the Body Positivity Movement is Missing

I'll start by saying that the body positivity movement is absolutely necessary and does many great things. In a culture that highly sexualizes and commercializes women's bodies, it is absolutely necessary to have a movement to celebrate bodies as they are. We should acknowledge, accept, and celebrate the parts of our bodies that the media and capitalism have told us are shameful, imperfect, and need fixing. And this extends beyond body size and weight.

As the movement has grown, we've seen in begin to include, celebrate, and discuss topics including curves, stretch marks, tummy rolls, body hair, makeup, and breast size. We've seen, and could still stand to see more, women of color, queer women, trans women, Muslim women, and women with disabilities speak out about their unique bodies. These intersections of race, class, ability, gender, and sexuality need to be further explored in the body positivity movement. We still need to continue to dismantle eurocentric beauty standards. Not all the models and faces of the body positivity should be white, cis, straight women. We need to speak out on and celebrate trans bodies, butch bodies, femme bodies, men's bodies, old bodies, bodies with disabilities and/or chronic illness, bodies that adhere to religious beliefs/attire, bodies of those who can't afford braces or acne treatment.

Yet, while I see these critiques of the body positivity movement, while I see the call to action to make it more diverse and explore these intersectional issues, there is consistently one thing I see missing. I do not mean to say that this missing thing is more important than those other intersectional issues. We still have much work to do within the body positivity movement regarding diversity. However, this topic needs to be addressed in these critiques, as well.

And that is STDs and STIs.

Some may argue that these issues belong to the sex positivity movement. And they do. But they also belong in the body positivity movement. STDs/STIs are so intimately linked to the body and they need to be addressed. We need to dismantle the negative stigmas, prejudices, self-hatred, and abuse surrounding STDs/STIs.

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STDs/STIs are so intimately linked to the body and they need to be addressed. 

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We are taught from a young age that STDs/STIs are dirty, scary, shameful, embarrassing and only low class, "slutty" people get them. Certain STDs/STIs are the brunt of classist, sexist, racist jokes about sex workers, promiscuous women, women from the "hood", etc. The fear-based method of teaching about STDs/STIs often translates into hatred, loathing, and fear of one's body after they contract something. 

The negative stigmas around STDs/STIs often make people feel like their body is disconnected or foreign to them. It makes people feel like their body is dirty, tainted, or ruined. But STDs/STIs do not make your body unlovable, unworthy, dirty, or shameful. It is hard to remember these things when society treats STDs/STIs with such negative, prejudicial stigmas. It's also hard to remember these things when you're newly diagnosed, having an outbreak, or experiencing an increase in symptoms that directly affect your body. 

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When we say "all bodies are beautiful," 

we need to include the ones with STDs/STIs.

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So while we expand the body positivity movement to include intersectional issues of race, gender, sexuality, ability, etc., we need to remember to include discussions about STDs/STIs. They directly affect the body and the way people relate to, treat, and view their own bodies. We need to dismantle the toxic stigmas that STDs/STIs are indicative of a dirty, unlovable body. Love, accept, and celebrate the body through battles, experiences, and lifelong relationships with STDs/STIs. When we say "all bodies are beautiful" we need to include the ones with STDs/STIs. 

Does My Depression Affect My Activism?

Sometimes people argue with me about my activist work and my constant talk about social justice and equity. I'm pretty terrible at laying out a persuasive, logical argument (so much for being an English major) specifically around social justice issues because I get so emotional. In my mind, it completely baffles and deeply saddens me that power differentials exist and that people have lived and continue to live with the detriments and real effects of this oppression. In my mind, it is completely ludicrous (I've been spelling this as "Ludacris" up until about a week ago - again, so much for being an English major) that anyone would argue against this, that anyone would argue against my work which is simply to increase empathy and equity for those who have suffered a long, systemic, institutionalized history of oppression, marginalization, and violence.

So how do I explain to others how I am able to step back, check my privilege, not react in anger or denial, and then try my hardest to love, empathize with, and advocate for others who are less privileged than myself?

Here's a list of things I came up with that helped guide me to the path of activism:

• Education - being exposed to different people, lives, experiences, etc. in college; getting involved in organizations that served and empowered marginalized groups
• Reading - through literature I learned about different life experiences and histories that mainstream education and textbooks don't teach 
• Love - possessing a genuine love and empathy for other human beings helps with activist work 
• Depression???

Wait, what?

I try to be hyper-aware of the impact my depression has on the lives around me and on those I love. I try to mitigate this impact as much as possible by being self-reliant, seeking professional help, and healing myself. So naturally, with such awareness, my depression came up in my meditation on what affects my activism. My depression probably affects everything in my life, but here are the ways I believe my depression may be impacting my activism: 

1. I value others over myself 

This may be blatant and perhaps triggering, but for the sake of being honest, I will admit that I often value others' lives over myself. My depression makes me think I'm a piece of crap and won't amount to much in life. Everyone else is more worthy of empathy, empowerment, and justice than me. With this mindset, of course I'm able to set aside my privilege and advocate for others. I sure as hell don't want to advocate for myself. I wonder why everyone else can't do the same? Just recklessly disregard yourself in order to promote and empower others; it's easy.

So how can we mitigate this? 

Activists with mental illnesses, especially depression, must work to realize that they are valuable assets in the fight for social justice. By valuing ourselves less we are valuing our activism, our empathy, and our power to do good less. It is painfully difficult, but we must start viewing ourselves as worthy, capable, and critical members of the social justice movement. 

2. I focus on the negative impacts of oppression 

I often find that when I'm engaged in activism through writing, conversation, etc. I focus a lot on the horrific long history of oppression and violence that many peoples have faced. I focus on their continued oppression by these systems. I focus on the terrible detriments that racism, homophobia, transphobia, colonialism, etc. can have on an individual and groups of people. Again, with this mindset, how can't I or anyone else help but get involved and advocate for others?

So how can we mitigate this? 

Activism is just as much about fighting social injustices and promoting equity as it is celebrating and empowering marginalized peoples. Marginalized peoples have been surviving, creating, learning, leading, building, and innovating for all of history. We must not ignore this. We must tell the stories of success, of love, of skill, of overcoming obstacles of oppression that mainstream history tries to erase. 

3. My depression compounds my white privilege 

As a white individual, I have the privilege of checking out of conversations about and fights against racism, colonialism, islamophobia, etc. I can take a day off; these systems don't affect my life. I can choose to pass on certain issues because I'm tired and I participated in the last one. This laziness and apathy are compounded by my depression. With my depression sometimes I'm hardly able to get out of bed to shower or do laundry or eat let alone participate in social justice movements and activist issues on a daily basis.

So how can we mitigate this? 

Self care helps! Yes, self care doesn't cure depression or any other mental illness but it may help you feel a little better and more ready to get out there and fight. By healthily addressing your depression, showing yourself compassion, and developing safe and healthy habits, you can be a better person and a better activist. Self care won't get rid of your mental illness, but it may help mitigate some of the symptoms. Develop a community of activists with mental illnesses to connect with for support and best practices.

Also, as a person with certain privileges, challenge yourself! We have a responsibility to empower marginalized peoples and to use our privilege to create a more equitable and just world. Yes, it is difficult, frustrating, and heartbreaking at times, and it can be compounded by mental illness (especially depression), but the world and people facing life-threatening oppression need you. If it helps, make tangible goals for each day. If you're feeling like your mental illness won't allow much for the day, make small goals - write a Senator, post an article, make a small donation. Just keep the momentum going.

All this being said, I don't place any blame on activists with mental illnesses. I personally know the struggle of mental illness getting in the way of or hindering your activism. It can be frustrating and disheartening. But your work is critical and so are you. You are necessary and valued in the movement for social justice and any effort you make, even on your bad days, is beneficial and has an effect.

Why You Are Not "My Sisters"

As I prepare to join the National Women's March on Washington, I'm reminded by fellow activists that we as white women have failed other women. We have failed women of color, trans women, queer women, Muslim women, undocumented women, Native women, and others. It is our long history of comfortable activism that has aided in perpetuating systems of oppression. We march when the marches are national, we post on social media when there is a hashtag, we share articles on Facebook, we wear shirts when they are trendy. But what we NEED is to be more active, more sustainable, more radical, and more intersectional.

In thinking about ways to make my activism more intersectional and of better use to other more marginalized women, I started to develop a rhetoric of inclusion and unity which started to become a rhetoric of homogeny, erasure, ownership, and white supremacy.

I started to think of women as a whole. I thought about "my sisters" and "our sisters" and how to use those phrases to motivate other white women to reevaluate and strengthen their activism and feminism through more intersectional methods. After all, we're all women. We bond over periods, motherhood, breasts, sexual violence, sexism, right? White women should all feel an innate bond and connection to other women because of these things, right? We're SISTERS, right?

WRONG. You are not "my sister" and this rhetoric used by white women is toxic, racist, and erasing.

First off, you are not "mine." This rhetoric implies ownership which is quite honestly disgusting and a perpetuation of white supremacy and colonialism. I think white women use this rhetoric to motivate each other into activism but it's actually doing more harm than good. We want to claim some sort of involvement and responsibility to the feminism and social justice movement but we cannot do so by claiming ownership over other women and their lives.

Secondly, you are not a "sister." I don't know anything about your life experiences as they are influenced by racism, homophobia, transphobia, colonialism, islamophobia, ableism, slut shaming, fat shaming, etc. I cannot claim some shallow bond of "sisterhood" in order to include myself in your fight for social justice and the dismantling of oppression. If we were truly sisters I would not have abandoned you in times of need. I would not be a come-and-go activist. I would not have the option to take a break from activism and pick and choose what I want to be involved in.

As white women we need to find a better way to involve ourselves in social justice movements. We have failed a lot of other women for centuries. They have fought and thrived without our help but we still have a duty and responsibility to humankind to fight for equity, social justice, and the dismantling of systems of oppression. To do so, we must reevaluate our methods to include and empower marginalized women. We must reevaluate our rhetoric and how we effectively get other white women involved in social justice issues.

As a white woman, I vow to the following:

• To actively seek out activist tactics and methods that are intersectional and empower marginalized women 
• To LISTEN to other women and act on their advice for social justice matters 
• I will admit to and apologize for the failures I, and my race, have made 
• I will not pick and choose what social justice issues I fight for; I will not "pass" on certain issues because I am tired or am not personally affected by them 
• To view other women as autonomous human beings with immense strength, capabilities, and knowledge 

Marginalized News Sources

One of my New Year's resolutions is to actively try harder to hear the voices of others, specifically those of marginalized individuals/groups with which I don't identify. I hope that by seeking out the voices of others, I can increase my own awareness and empathy as well as, educate those around me thus standing in solidarity with these individuals/groups.

Listening to marginalized individuals and spreading their stories, experiences, and histories will not make me a perfect activist and my work should surely not end there. However, it is a start. And it is an easy start for those who wish to educate themselves and become more aware of the diversity and power differentials that exist in our world.

So I've compiled a list of online news websites/resources that focus specifically on the news and voices of various marginalized groups and here they are:

Indigenous News

Native Times

Native News Online

National Indigenous Times

Intercontinental Cry 

African American News

The Root

Atlanta Black Star

Good Black News

The Black Report

News One

Latino/a News

Latino Rebels

News Taco

Latino Journal

Latino Decisions
Latino USA

API News

Asia Times

The Diplomat 

Asian Correspondent

Asia News Network

The Japan Times

Asia Sentinel

Pacific Islands Report

Pacific Islands News Association (PINA)

Pacific Scoop

Muslim News

Muslim Matters

Islamic Voice

Muslim Mirror

Islamic News Daily

The Muslim News

Peoples with Disabilities News

Disability Scoop

Disability News Service

My Disability Matters

Disability Horizons

Queer News

LGBTQ Nation

Advocate

Out Magazine
Elixher

GLAAD

Undocumented Peoples News

My Undocumented Life

National Immigration Law Center

Advice for Dating Someone with Depression

So I was originally going to title this post "Tips for Dating Someone with Depression" but I thought that made those who suffer from depression sound a bit like household pets or a DIY craft project. Like, "follow these 10 simple steps to maintaining your own mentally ill individual!"..............ehhh not quite the vibe I'm going for.

I'm in first relationship since I've been in college and I've learned a lot about myself through the ways my girlfriend reacts to and navigates my depression. These tips can really be applied to anyone in your life who suffers from depression just as a better way to care for and support them. Note: these tips are not on how to "deal with" or "put up with" someone's depression. If you think caring for someone's mental health is a chore or something beyond the bare minimum that you put into a relationship, then you really shouldn't be dating that person. Or anyone, ya douchebag.

Mental illness doesn't automatically make someone a burden to others. As a supporter, you shouldn't view mental illness as some pesky annoyance in your life; you're not the one living in it. Depression is hard to manage on your own but sometimes it can also be difficult managing with a significant other too. I've learned a lot through my relationship in terms of explaining my depression, helping my girlfriend understand it, and letting her help me manage it. I can imagine that dating someone with depression might be disheartening at times when you can't be the solution, but I want to share some things to help supporters and significant others put less pressure on themselves and better understand depression.

1. Don't take it personally that your love doesn't "get rid" of their depression

I'm not even sure why I started with this point because if this piece of advice shocking to you then you're a narcissistic piece of shit. Nevertheless, I think it is important for some people to remember. Whether you like to play savior in your relationships, which is incredibly unhealthy btw, or you simply really care for someone, you need to realize that you alone CANNOT FIX A MENTAL ILLNESS. It is nothing against you. There isn't anything wrong with your personality or the way you love a person, it just will not completely "get rid" of someone's depression. So don't expect it to.

And for christ's sake, don't throw yourself a pity party like boo hoo but I brought you cookies why aren't you happy and dtf now???? wahhhh. Don't guilt your friend or partner for still having a mental illness even when you do nice things for them. This isn't about you, dammit. I shouldn't have to deal with my depression and make you feel like a special snowflake for being a good friend too. I'm not going to try to remain mentally stable and constantly hand you awards for treating me like a human being. My depression will probably always be with me to some degree. I'm extremely grateful for my friends and girlfriend who recognize that and do special things to help get me out of bed and not self harm. But they all know that they are not some magical Jesus Christ of mental illnesses here to cure the world.

2. Ask ask ask, but don't pressure

If you don't understand something about your friend/significant other's depression, just ask them. Be constantly willing to learn how depression manifests itself and how to respond to it. However, there's also a good chance that that person won't have an answer to give you. A lot of times people want to ask "Why are you sad?" and "What will cheer you up?" like if I knew the answers to those things I wouldn't have stayed in bed without showering and only eating hot cheetos for an entire week, now would I?

Depression is tricky because it isn't a bad mood, a test stressing you out, or a bad hair day. I can't pinpoint exact things that trigger a depressive episode. I may be able to tell you certain times of the year that I have more episodes and I may be able to quote my therapist's advice to you, but I can't tell you the straight up do's and don'ts for handling my depression. That's the whole point of depression; it doesn't always have a reason. There's no definite cause. So ease up.

Be willing to learn. Ask questions about what works and what doesn't. But don't expect someone with depression to give you all the answers. Don't interrogate them like they possess all the magical tricks of the trade to cheer themselves up and they're just hiding them from you. Wtf is wrong with you?

3. Come up with a warning signal/word

Sometimes it can be really hard to admit that you need help or support or a pint of Ben & Jerry's. On a more serious note, sometimes it can also be really hard to admit that you are not in a healthy, stable place. It can be embarrassing to reach out and have to admit that you're afraid of being alone because you don't know what you could do to yourself.

But but but I'm such a good friend, I would just tell them to call me whenever they feel sad, even if it's 3am, even if it's 50 years later and I'm retired on a Carnival cruise...Naw son, that don't mean jack diddly to someone with a mental illness. Sure, it's a nice gesture to say that. But individuals with a mental illness are constantly belittled and made to feel like they are just making it up. So even if you don't require an explanation, an individual with a mental illness will feel the need to give one. Just to justify themselves, their emotions, and their need for help.

So, just to relieve some of that pressure, make a code word that a person can just text or say or tap out in morse code to let you know that things are serious and they need some sort of support/presence immediately. It's simple, quick, and a lot less intimidating than having to craft a sentence like "dear god help me I'm in a major depressive episode" in a more socially acceptable way.

4. Help them with their self care 

Individuals with certain mental illnesses are drawn to self-harming or self-sabotaging behaviors. The whole thing about depression is that I don't really value myself soooo of course I'm not going to eat healthy or have a normal sleep schedule or go to class??? I try my hardest but some days it's like having intense senioritis in every aspect of your life.

So as a friend or supporter, you have a super awesome opportunity to give your friend/partner a little nudge in the right direction that is greatly appreciated. Try getting your friend out of the house for a little bit, cook them a healthy meal, invite them to go on a walk with you. Simple little things like these can have a huge impact. Because for someone with depression these little things are like the biggest, most daunting, horrific, painful tasks ever. My roommate makes sure I'm awake in the mornings and I'll be damned if that woman doesn't get everything in my will one day. My girlfriend makes me eat vegetables sometimes, so I guess they can go halfsies on the will.

Point is, just encourage your friend to do a few healthy things. Even though they might seem like simple, common sense tasks to you, it means a lot to a person with depression to have someone help them and encourage them to take care of themselves.

5. Don't be an enabler to any destructive habits they're trying to kick

One of the hardest things for me to do was stop drinking in college. Mainly because the people I called friends thought it was a ridiculous idea and apparently weren't fond of binge drinking every night of the weekend on their own. Now that I've surrounded myself with decent human beings that have at least a single shred of human empathy, it's become a lot easier for me to stop drinking which has definitely helped with my depression a crap ton.

I enjoy being friends with people that actually call me out on my shit. In a loving manner of course. The people that enabled me to be an alcoholic disaster that it was a cute quirky aspect of my personality and thoroughly enjoyed not having to be alone in their endeavours to single-handedly destroy their own livers. My friends now push me to constantly better myself which includes kicking some gnarly habits that I picked up as ways to self-medicate my depression. I've made a lot of progress because of my own work but also, because my friends and girlfriend are rad as fuck and don't enable me to continue destroying myself. So when in doubt, tell your mentally ill friends and lovers that no, they can't have another shot of Taaka or heroin and that yes, they can live a sober and less self-harmful life because you're there to support them.

Depression blows and life with it sucks, but it's made infinitely better by the people in my life that genuinely want to support me and see me do my best, not those who are only in the friendship/relationship to benefit themselves. I think we should all try to be that supportive person in our friends and significant others' lives. In being true to my depressive nature, I'll end with saying that life sucks and then you die but I still wish we could all bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy. Or something along those lines.