So what's my beef with the "Real Men Don't Rape" phrase as a campaign to get men involved? Geeze, Bailey, can you never be satisfied? No, I can't. Because if we aren't constantly critiquing the way we are going about achieving social justice, we might do more harm than good or leave certain groups out. Thus this post came to be.
1. It relies on gender roles and stereotypes that enforce an unhealthy gender binary.
Gender binary, what the what? Crash course in Gender 101: the gender binary is when society places people into the categories of either "man" or "woman" when there's a bagillion other options in between and gender really actually operates on a spectrum because everyone has complex identities and a 2 option system just doesn't cut it !@!^$%$@^
Anywho...okay so what is a "real" man? According to this catchy slogan, a "real" man doesn't rape. Fair enough, good message. Want to be a "real" man? Don't rape.
But there is danger in attempting to promote the idea of a "real" man or a "real" woman. Trans* folks, non-binary folks, genderqueer folks, and gender fluid folks already have an insanely hard time processing their identities because society has such rigid ideas of what a "real man" or "real woman" is. I'd just try to shy away from promoting the idea that there is anything on this world that exists that exemplifies a "real" man because it shames people who don't fit in.
Okay...that might have been a stretch for you. So what, Bailey, are you sympathizing with rapists because they aren't "real" men and just want to fit into society's gender stereotypes/norms, hmmm??????
Naw, not at all. I just always remind people that gender is tricky. Every small move towards expanding our minds past the idea of what "men" and "women" are supposed to appear, behave, dress, or talk like is a step in the right direction for being more inclusive to our LGBTQ community.
2. It makes men think that they themselves, or any of their good friends, couldn't possibly be rapists.
Yo, so you tell a guy that only "not real" men rape, they say, well hell yeah I'm a real man, I could never rape anyone, that's how real of a man I am. And if they have a good group of buddies, chances are they won't see them as rapists either.
Guys are crucial advocates in the movement to end gender-based violence. They have the opportunity to call out other guys for their creepy, predatory, sexist behavior. But will they do that if they think they/their chill bro friends could never be not "real" men/rapists?!!? I bet the $1.10 in my bank account, they won't.
Saying "real" men don't rape puts a barrier between guys and the issue. They think it doesn't apply to them or their friends. They'll be less likely to see the behavior within themselves or their friend group and less likely to call it out.
3. It perpetuates the urban legend that a rapist is a man that creeps around in bushes and blitz attacks his victims at random.
The guys in your life are real men. Your friends, family, acquaintances, they all seem like real, levelheaded men, or else you wouldn't associate with them, would you?
And how would you feel if you found out one of them had sexually assaulted someone? You'd probably be shocked right?
But check this out, in 75-80% of sexual assault cases, the victim KNOWS her attacker! It's either a friend, ex boyfriend, acquaintance, etc. Holy plot twist, Batman.
Sexual assault is not something that is perpetrated by some abnormal, Nosferatu-looking fool creepin around the streets at night. So get rid of the idea that "real" men don't rape. They are very much real. They are a part of our daily lives. They act normal. We trust them.
Everyone needs to know this fact because too much victim blaming occurs because "Oh no, so and so would never do that. He's such a nice, normal guy. You guys are friends, right? He wouldn't do something like that to you. Are you sure you aren't mad at him for something else?" WRONG. WRONG. WRONG. So and so was a "real" dude who did a horrible thing and we need to start believing survivors no matter what.
4. It implies that rapists must have something wrong with them/are mentally ill.
So real men don't rape. Who rapes then? Somebody who has something wrong with them. They must be lunatics, psychopaths, sadists, harden criminals. SOMETHING has to be wrong with their mind for them to commit these horrible crimes.
There are real people out there who suffer from mental disorders or diseases every single day. Sending the message to them that mental illness is horrible and will lead them to commit heinous crimes or that "craziness" (euphemism for "mental illness") is the cause for rape is ableist.
We are in a way shaming these people and further stigmatizing mental illness by saying that it must be the root cause of certain crimes.
So what? Did I just completely exclude men from the movement to end gender-based violence? Nope nopity nope.
- We need men to teach boys about healthy sexual relationships that are not based on power and control.
- We need men to act as active bystanders to call out bad behavior and be vocal about what they think is wrong.
- We need men to realize the privilege they have, check the privilege they have, and then use it to uplift women and set a good example for younger men.
So get out there wit your bad self and set a good example for the youths. It starts with you.
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