My Problem with "Basic Girls"

The season for pumpkin spice lattes and yoga pants are upon us. Girls will start to bust out their North Face jackets and Uggs and head to Bath & Body Works to buy every pumpkin scented product. The world will be swarmed with what we refer to as "basic girls" or "basic bitches".

But what the hell is wrong with that (besides the horrible connotation that the word "basic" has and the extremely demeaning effects of the word "bitch")? 1. Starbucks is the effing nectar of the gods, don't you dare disagree with me and 2. Pumpkin spice is scientifically proven to be the most delicious scent in the universe. Why are we belittling girls that hop on popular trends or who genuinely appreciate pumpkins as their favorite species of squash?

Here's my beef with this idiotic phrase:

1. The term "basic girl" is used to lump all girls together in order to belittle them for not being "unique".

Just because someone enjoys popular trends or is a bit consumerist doesn't mean they are less original. Who knows...maybe the girl you judge for drinking Starbucks every day writes a kick ass feminist blog and puts herself through school...

Plus, a woman doesn't have to be 100% unique to be valued. For Christ's sake, is everything that you do a product of your own cute, special, little original mind? No. So step back.

Guys are using this idea of being "basic" to strip women of their idiosyncratic personalities in order to value them less. Or they value the "basic" girl because she seemingly has less opinions and easily follows the crowd.

Check out this snippet from an article...:

" Pro: She's loyal, albeit bordering on needy.

Pro: She's malleable, like silly putty or tofu. If you're looking for a predictable sidekick to live out your cookie cutter existence with, the basic bitch is your girl."

Malleable. Awesome. I love equating women to silly putty that I can form to do whatever I want and not respect boundaries whatsoever.

and this one: 

"By getting some actual opinions, innovative ideas, high self confidence, and a grasp of reality, then you're getting somewhere! Like what you want to like! Have lame hobbies, be goofy, be YOU! You can fight this."

~*~be goofy~*~ All respectable women are so goofy and fun and have cute little quirks and hobbies and are merely here to be manifestations of their originality and difference from other women.

PLOT TWIST: these quotes were written by women. Women calling other women opinion-less squishy balls of useless putty. What a win for feminism! 

2. There's a serious racial difference between "basic girl" and "basic bitch/hoe".

While the term "basic girl" evokes the image of a white female, the even more derogatory term "basic bitch/hoe" is racialized and evokes the image of a black female. Just check out these 2 different definitions from Urban Dictionary:

So this term enforces the power differential between white and black women. White women are bubbly little rays of sunshine that can't think for themselves while black women are literally degraded for their sexuality and bodies. Plus, the term "basic bitch" originated from black rappers Lil Duval and The Game. White youth have yet again taken a piece of black culture that truly isn't ours and turned it into something that is less harmful for us (specifically white women) than it is for the black community (specifically black women).

3. It mocks women who uphold the stereotypes of their gender. 

A girl that chooses to wear pink, bake cookies, and go shopping shouldn't be valued any less than a girl who wears combat boots and refuses to wear makeup. That's the whole damn point of feminism, to allow other women to make choices that you might not necessarily agree with, to support them, and to value them as equally as other women and men.

The whole "she wears short skirts and I wear t-shirts" crap is absurd. It promotes girl hate which just tears us all down and the patriarchy wins! Do not value another woman less because she enjoys stereotypical female things - leave that to the misogynistic chauvinists that we are trying to eradicate in the 2015 feminist uprising.

4. It takes feminized actions, hobbies, trends, or objects and turns them into something worth mocking and not taken seriously. 

1. Baking - You're so basic. What? Do you need to bake food to stay alive or something? That's so unoriginal of you to do nice things for your neighbors. Ew. 
2. Decorating your house for fall - So. Basic. God who do you think you are trying to get festive about the seasons and holidays? That's so overdone. 
3. Taking a picture in your cute new boots - Jeeze. Where do you get off having that much confidence and feeling good about your appearance/outfit for the day? 
4. Consulting your friends on what to wear out tonight - Ugh. Like can you not think for yourself? Do your friends really mean that much to you? You actually hangout with girls whose opinion you value? Lame. 

This whole "basic bitch" trope even takes non-feminized things and makes them unacceptable for women. Like wtf am I not allowed to do if I don't want to be called a "basic bitch"? The lists I've read online include: using Mason jars for storage (uh, but recycling is awesome?), owning a toaster (BUT TOAST IS DELICIOUS), and owning a full length mirror (sorry, women can only own half length mirrors). 

The amount of sarcasm in this post has thoroughly exhausted me. I rest my case.

What Depression Means for Me as a Woman

1. My depression is often blamed on hormones or my period.

Depression is linked with many hormones in the body. Yes, women can suffer postpartum depression after being pregnant. Yes, menstruation causes fluxes in hormones that may cause an irritable mood and other more serious forms of depression. Yes, the onset of menopause can cause depression.

Oh wow, lookie there. As a woman, I'm already more susceptible to depression because of my hormones. But the role that these hormones play in some forms of depression in women doesn't make one's depression in less valid. It's insanely offensive when some idiot boy says "oooo must be that time of the month" because I'm behaving moody or withdrawn. No, you dingus, profusely bleeding from an orifice of my body doesn't always cause my depressed, self-harming behavior. Check yo self.

I have been suffering from depression for years. Depression doesn't always take the "time of the month" into consideration. Every day that I wake up, get out of bed, and be fairly productive is a serious victory in my book. Don't equate my every day mental and physical battle with something as trivial as period cramps or a craving for chocolate.

2. I have an easier time disclosing to people and talking about my depression than men do.

I am very much aware and appreciative of the ease in which I can talk about my depression. Men are socialized to not be emotional or cry so they have a harder time processing their depression. Men are more likely  to successfully commit suicide than women and I'm pretty damn certain that is because we as a society prevent them from reaching out for help for fear of being emasculated which is all sorts of .  I am very grateful to be able to create a support system of friends and family that I can talk to anytime of the day about my depression.

Although disclosing to someone that I suffer from depression is always a little nerve wracking and uncomfortable at first -- like, hey I'm clinically depressed and you might not see me for days on end because I quite literally cannot get out of bed but wanna be friends anyways? -- I'm usually completely unafraid to make that aspect of my life very visible and well known. I deeply feel for men who suffer and feel that society shames them for expressing their emotions or for not being mentally strong 24/7.

3. I often self-medicate with sex and relationships.

When I was first diagnosed with clinical depression and starting taking anti-depressants, I was also going through a phase where I was sleeping around a lot. I thought I was just a super liberated kewl kollege girl. But there wasn't anything liberating about getting shit faced every weekend and sleeping with strangers for me. Turns out that those who suffer from depression have a higher level of engaging in risky behavior such as binge drinking and unsafe sex.

Although both men and women who suffer from depression sometimes self medicate with alcohol and sex, I felt like I had a harder time bouncing back from the reputation that I created for myself a few years ago. Women can't get away with sleeping around as easily as men. Back in the party days of my youth, the guys were given high fives for shacking up with a girl while I was left to sneak out the back door to embark on my self esteem-boosting walk of shame.

Self medicating with risky sex is unhealthy as is. But the social pressures I felt as a woman who was acting promiscuously caused even more damage to my self confidence and happiness.

4. My depression also causes hormonal and reproductive issues.

Many hormonal imbalances that are linked to fertility issues are also linked to depression. Although it has not been proven that depression causes reproductive issues, the two certainly go hand-in-hand in some situations. Also, the self-harming behavior that women who suffer from depression are often drawn to can have a negative impact on their reproductive abilities. These behaviors include smoking, drinking, and abnormal eating.

My depression came with a lot of self-harming behaviors such as smoking, cutting, and for a period, heavy drinking.  Smoking and heavy drinking in women can cause infertility, abnormal menstruation, and early onset menopause. So essentially, my depression causes me to be more susceptible to treating myself like shit which in turn, affects my reproductive abilities. I consider  the effects my self-harming behaviors have had on my reproductive health a serious threat to my womanhood. The shitty habits that my depression has led me to pick up are literally destroying my female sex organs and my natural level of hormones which is actually horrific.

Also, simply having female hormones makes me more likely to experience certain forms of depression such as Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder and hypersomnia, a symptom of depression.

Depression is a truly horrific disease regardless of sex or gender. It warps beautiful minds and has taken some of the loveliest people from this world. I am grateful for every day that I don't let my depression take over me. I am aware that depression is idiosyncratic for every individual, however, I feel for my fellow sisters that experience depression uniquely because of their gender or sex.

10 Things You Should Never Say to a Bisexual Individual

1. It's just a phase
Yo then I must have been in a "phase" for the last 7 years of my life. If I am brave and proud enough to come out as bi and label myself that way, I'm pretty darn sure of what I'm about, son.

Additionally, besides the word "phase" carrying the connotation of a teenage mood swing dictated by insane hormones and goth punk music, phases AREN'T BAD! Your whole life is full of phases. You like expensive cheese and brussel sprouts now? You used to like Go-Gurts and candy when you were three. This is definitely just a phase, you'll go back to an all Go-Gurt diet soon. All adults go through this "phase". No one thinks this way; so don't think about sexuality this way either.

2. Pick a side
No thanks. I spent years of my life struggling with my self identity and how to label myself. I KNOW I'm not straight and I KNOW I'm not gay.

Also, sexuality doesn't have to operate within a binary, you fool. If we are slowly starting to get passed the idea of a gender binary, we need to do the same for sexuality. Although "bi" does mean "two" which inherently refers to 1. man and 2. woman, many people experience attraction to everyone in between and still identify as bi (we'll have more on that in a later post).

3. All girls are a little bi
There is a difference between girls that are willing to experiment, girls that make out with their girlfriends when they're drunk, and girls that are genuinely sexually and emotionally attracted to other girls. It's insulting when you belittle my experiences by equating them to everyone else's.

4. Would you be down to have a threesome?
You know there's a difference between bisexuality and polyamory, right? And even polyamory isn't always the desire to have a sexual relationship with multiple partners at one time. Often times it is simply romantic. And bisexuals can very much be monoamorous or polyamorous.

But where the hell do you come from coming at me with your gross sexual propositions assuming I just sleep around with everyone and that I exist purely for the entertainment of straight couples that want to get freaky? My sexuality is not a kink, gtfo.

5. Everyone experiments in college
Cool, rad, awesome. I recommend it. Discover your sexuality in college where you can meet an insanely diverse group of people. Identify as bi after experimenting, don't identify as bi after experimenting, I don't care.

But my sexuality has been a part of me long before college and will continue to be a part of me after college. I know that. THAT'S WHY I CHOOSE TO IDENTIFY THIS WAY! If I were just experimenting, I would say I'm just experimenting.

6. You're just confused/you're gay you just don't want to admit it
What is so confusing about the idea that guys and gals are attractive and I want to kiss them both and raise babies with them both? I like people, jah feel?

And do not undermine my process of coming out as bisexual by saying I'm too afraid to come out as a lesbian. BOTH coming out processes are equally as hard. Unbeknownst to you, it took a lot of courage and double guessing myself to come out as bi, but I did it, so hell naw, I'm not afraid of anything.

7. Have you ever even hooked up with a girl? (or guy)
I don't need to have hooked up with a girl to know that I like them. When you were growing up did you sleep with a girl when you were 7 which magically made you know you were straight? Do children that grow up knowing they are gay have to hook up with someone of the same sex to validate that? Naw, ya nasty, they just feel it.

8. Well that's not as hard as being a lesbian/gay
DO NOT INVALIDATE MY EXPERIENCE AS A BISEXUAL! We are often even ostracized from gay and lesbian spaces so don't tell me it's easier to be bi. Loads of people don't even believe bisexuality exists! You try dealing with that, punk.

9. So you're just horny all the time?
Yeah because being attracted to men and women means I'm attracted to ALL men and women. Also, here's an idea, my sexuality isn't purely sexual. It's also based on an emotional connection, mutual interests, if you like Criminal Minds or not...

10. *thinks to self: this person is just greedy, they definitely sleep around, they'll for sure cheat on me*
There is this super harmful stereotype that bisexuals are these sexually greedy deviants that will go around rampantly having threesomes and destroying relationships. It's kind of the same way that some guys get uncomfortable around a gay man because eww he's going to hit on me all the time and try to make moves on me. 

Uh, people in the LGBTQ community aren't all about sex 24/7. And no one wants to hook up with your narrow-minded bigoted ass anyways.

Talk Dirty to Me

Literally. Talk dirty to me. Or clean. Doesn't matter. Just talk more.

Bailey wtf is this post about? Is this some desperate cry for more sex? What is going on...

I mean I'm not not down for more sex.....but this post is about COMMUNICATION! Especially in the bedroom.

Communication is ESSENTIAL. It is mandatory for consent and beneficial for better sex.

Communication and consent:

Alright so consent is sexy, but it's also mandatory. Consent doesn't always have to be verbal, it can be expressed through body language. But you better be really friggin good at reading body language if you're going to use it as your only indicator of consent. Thus, verbal consent is preferred because it's more clear.

Plus, it's hot. A guy can say "Let's have sex" or "Shower sex?" and I'm like whoa thanks for checking in, I appreciate that, let's bone. Or I can be like whoa thanks for checking in, now I can say I'm only down to makeout and don't have to keep squirming away when you reach for my zipper. 

I consider myself a pretty empowered, sex positive woman. But I still have times where I'm not jumping the gun to be the one to initiate sex like HEY THIS IS REALLY GREAT PLEASE TAKE YOUR PANTS OFF BRO.

Here's the thing with consent. It is the responsibility of whoever is initiating the heavy petting to get consent. I, as a woman, am less likely to initiate sex. That's just what we've been taught...that women don't want sex, you're a slut if you initiate it, you'll come across as thirsty....

So, I extremely appreciate it when a guy speaks up and checks in with me before we do the dirty. I never do things I don't want to just because I'm uncomfortable speaking up...I'll fa sho just get up and leave or blame it on my period if things get too far...but I'd love for it not to get to that point. I have so much respect for guys that check in with me and ask me what I want out of the night.

Communication and better sex:

I'm not sure if there's any hard statistics out there on this but I can say from personal experience that more communication leads to better sex/more pleasure 1,000% of the time. 1,001% even. I swear on my great granny's grave that every time a guy says "What do you want?" or "How do you want it?" I spontaneously fall in love and orgasm at the same time.

Sex is often portrayed (I bite my thumb at you, porn industry!) as male orgasm focused. That seems to be the end goal for all heterosexual sexual encounters. I tried to be chill with that for awhile. Honestly, I don't need to orgasm to have good sex. But after so many times of guys not even ASKING what I want, I quickly got over it.

Now, if a guy doesn't take my sexual needs into consideration or if I don't feel comfortable asking him to do certain things, I bail. It is my right to not have to put up with your mediocre skills because you watch too much porn and think all women like to be pile driven like you're a god damn jackhammer and have zero attention paid to their clitoris.

If you show even an inkling of interest in my sexual arousal, I guarantee I'll return the favor. And I won't think you're a total asshat after hooking up.

So this post is very heteronormative, but it really is just gathered from my experience with heterosexual relationships, not homosexual ones. But I can still advocate for more communication during homosexual bedroom time. It really just makes for a better, more consensual, orgasm-filled world all around.

So get out there and be considerate of your sexual partner, check in with them, ask to touch their butt, learn what they like and then dooooo it! (with their permission, of course)

Introduction to Intersectionality

Maybe you run with a hardcore feminist group like myself and already pretty much know what intersectionality is. Maybe you're vaguely familiar and want to know more. Maybe you're my dad or anyone else who lives without internet service and believes in complete anarchy and have never even heard of the term. Never fear! I shall explain to the best of my abilities...

Intersectionality: "The study of intersections between forms or systems of oppression, domination, or discrimination." Term coined by Kimberle Crenshaw in 1989.
Intersectional: "Between, among, shared by, or involving" two or more sections (in this case, forms of oppression).

So your feminism can be intersectional. Feminism, your personal ideology and movement, can be intersectional in that it includes conversations about, dialogues around, and puts spotlights on other forms of oppression that women experience. It promotes intersectionality.

You yourself cannot be an "intersectional feminist". Why? Because that makes no sense. You're a feminist at every intersection that various forms of oppression have with sexism? Unless you identify with every marginalized group, as well as as a woman, then you cannot be intersectional because you're not at all the intersections!

Semantics, you guys. Sorry, I'm an English major.

I myself as a white, able bodied, cis woman have to especially check myself with this. As much as I want to advocate for other marginalized groups, I have to realize that I will never ever ever be able to speak for them because I have not a single clue what their experiences are like.

I can learn about them. Read books and articles. Ask my other woman friends. But I will never have first hand experience of what it is like to be a woman of color, a woman with a physical disability, a transwoman, etc.

The best I can do is make sure that ANY discussions, movements, or media involving feminism includes these women. We need to make damn sure that every form of oppression is represented anytime anything related to feminism is brought up. Working on bridging the pay gap between men and women? Yo, realize that women of color get paid even less than white women. Working on promoting reproductive rights? Yo, think about how that affects disabled or transwomen. Working on getting more girls involved in STEM fields? Yo, particularly reach out to girls in lower income areas who might not be in the best education system.

It is the women/men out there that label themselves as "feminists" but are transphobic, homophobic, anti-choice, or racist that are giving the word "feminism" negative connotations and overall, slowing the whole movement down by doing more harm than good.

If you promote social justice, specifically feminism, and leave out groups of women who have additional burdens then you are just a total asshat. Total. asshat. I'll say it again because it's a great word: Ass. Hat.

For all my visual learners out there, here is an example of how various forms of oppression intersect. Birdcage analogy coined by the bamf feminist theorist Marilyn Frye.

Okay so here's a gnarly example to gnaw on...

So we remove one wire from the cage: sexism. We expand our definition and acceptance of what is considered "feminine" behavior, appearance, etc. Think about how white women can get away with pulling a "tomboy" look off without having their femininity questioned. We can cut our hair off and it's quirky. I can rock my 90s grunge movement-esque wardrobe without much backlash from men trying to make me wear pink dresses. 

Now think about other groups of women trying to do this. The first ones that come to my mind are transwomen and Latina women. 

Rarely do you seem a transwomen who is dressed more androgynous or masculine. Think about Laverne Cox. That women is straight up fierce on every red carpet with perfect makeup, perfect hair, flawless vision of femininity.  Transwomen have the task (imposed on them by society's incapability to just be nice and wrap their head around the idea that gender and gender expression operate on a spectrum not a binary) of constantly exerting and "proving" their femininity through their appearance and behavior. Wtf. What if homegirl Laverne wants to chill out in sweats and a jersey one day? I guarantee she would be met with questions and interrogation about the "validity" of her femininity. Not cool.

Now, Latina women. I took an impromptu trip down to Tijuana a few months ago (my mother has already forgiven me, don't worry) and I noticed that every. single. woman. was dressed in full blown makeup, perfect hair, and high heels. Like 24/7. To the grocery store, the movies, on a walk, wherever. Many Latino cultures still have slightly rigid gender roles. I highly doubt a Latina woman would have an easy time pulling of the "tomboy" look or slightly defying female gender roles through her appearance and still be seen as "cute" and "quirky" the way a white woman would if she dressed the same way. Again, not cool. 

So this was a fairly chill-ish example. Still not cool that I don't have to constantly express and validate my femininity and other marginalized women do, but there's a lot worse going on. Marginalized women still make less $ than white women. Some marginalized women don't have the same health care/reproductive rights as white women. 

AND THAT my friends is because if we focus on just removing one form of oppression (i.e. sexism) and overlook how that oppression interplays with other forms of oppression (i.e. racism, transphobia, homophobia, etc.) then we fail to liberate like essentially every woman that isn't white/straight/able-bodied/cisgender/etc...

So strive to have your personal views of feminism, the work you do, and the issues you fight for be intersectional and inclusive of women of all identities!

Why You Can't Call Me "Baby"

Significant others calling each other "baby" doesn't mean they're literally calling each other "non stop wailing, fragile, alien looking things that constantly mess their pants". Still, I won't let anyone do it to me. There's this odd connection between extreme youth and sexiness and I don't dig it.

For example,

Ariana Grande makes me squirm.  Granted she's only 20 years old and looks a lot younger, but she needs to stop marketing herself as a child. And her fans/the general public need to stop referring to her as a child. This is one example of how society/the media perpetuates this connection between childlike innocence/naivety and sexual attraction.

Infantilizing grown women, no matter how young they look, is seriously creepy, contributes to rape culture, and is crazy demeaning towards women. And since I enjoy lists, I shall list my reasons of contempt for this marketing ploy/mindset:

Is this the album cover for an adult musician or the new cover for Lolita?

1. If we treat grown women like children, it becomes that much easier to treat children like grown women. 

If we value the same childish characteristics of a shy school girl in a grown woman, we are equating the two ages. Nope, nope, nope, nope. A full grown, adult woman with the ability to consent is NOT the same as an inexperienced, not fully developed mentally, emotionally, or physically young girl.

This contributes to rape culture a crazy amount. Older men think a child's appearance justifies doing inappropriate things with them. Other people excuse sexual assaults just because a child acts older. Just look at how much victim blaming goes on because little girls magically become women because they wear makeup or some crap:

• A judge stated a 14 year old rape victim "seemed older than her chronological age" and sentenced her rapist to only 30 days in jail. 
• A defense attorney accused an 11 year old gang rape victim of seducing the rapists and luring them in.
• A judge blamed a 14 year old girl for her rape because she wasn't a virgin and only put her rapist on probation. 
• A special needs rape victim in 7th grade was forced to write her rapist an apology note and was then expelled from school.

We sexualize infant-like qualities in women. Thus, they are the same as children and children are the same as them. Thus, we can blame young girls for their sexual abuse. Horrible logic. I rest my case.

2. By sexualizing characteristics such as nativity and innocence in women, we add to the already heavily present power differential between men and women.

Think about it - if you infantilize a woman, it becomes erotic. If you infantilize a man, he becomes emasculated. We tell women that it's sexy to act coy, doe-eyed, and childish. But this form of sexiness is demeaning because infantilizing a woman strips her of her intelligence, maturity, imagination, and experiences. She's not capable of making her own decisions, she's not mature enough, she doesn't know what's best for her.

Okay, okay, okay...I've mentioned it before, but I'll say it again, some people enjoy a healthy mock power differential in the bedroom. Yeah, that's fine. Do yo thang boo boo. But this is a form of submissiveness that is established and enjoyed by both parties.

But if young women are taught that behaving like a child is somehow seen as cute and playful in the eyes of guys that really see them as lower in worth/intelligence, then we have an issue. Girl, the Women's Suffrage Movement did not start so you could bat your eyelashes and play dumb.

3. The infantilization of women also shames women for their age. 

The standard of beauty for women is defined by youth, so when, god forbid, a woman begins to age like a natural human being, she is thrown a slew of beauty products to keep her looking impossibly young.

I'm really not having it anymore with people saying old men are "distinguished" and old women are these Mother Gothel, wrinkly spinsters. HAVE YOU EVER MET AN OLD LADY?! They are the bees knees and there is extreme beauty in the amount of life experiences they have had.

I cannot accept this shaming of age and glorification of youth as the only measure of beauty knowing fully well that I will AGE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. And I will look flawless with all my saggery thank you very much.

Take a look at these nauseating charts from OKCupid. I had to have a cup of tea and check my blood pressure after seeing these:

I would much rather have a full grown woman such as Beyonce flaunt her sexuality in sequin leotards than have a full grow woman like Ariana Grande portray herself as a underage school girl. And people seem a lot more concerned about women like Beyonce and Nicki Minaj who accurately portray their age which is concerning my friends, very concerning. 

The Problem with "Real Men Don't Rape"

Bruh....getting men involved in the movement to end gender-based violence is necessary. They can be great advocates, raise awareness, and serve as mentors for younger generations.

So what's my beef with the "Real Men Don't Rape" phrase as a campaign to get men involved? Geeze, Bailey, can you never be satisfied? No, I can't. Because if we aren't constantly critiquing the way we are going about achieving social justice, we might do more harm than good or leave certain groups out. Thus this post came to be.

1. It relies on gender roles and stereotypes that enforce an unhealthy gender binary. 

Gender binary, what the what? Crash course in Gender 101: the gender binary is when society places people into the categories of either "man" or "woman" when there's a bagillion other options in between and gender really actually operates on a spectrum because everyone has complex identities and a 2 option system just doesn't cut it !@!^$%$@^

Anywho...okay so what is a "real" man? According to this catchy slogan, a "real" man doesn't rape. Fair enough, good message. Want to be a "real" man? Don't rape.

But there is danger in attempting to promote the idea of a "real" man or a "real" woman. Trans* folks, non-binary folks, genderqueer folks, and gender fluid folks already have an insanely hard time processing their identities because society has such rigid ideas of what a "real man" or "real woman" is. I'd just try to shy away from promoting the idea that there is anything on this world that exists that exemplifies a "real" man because it shames people who don't fit in.

Okay...that might have been a stretch for you. So what, Bailey, are you sympathizing with rapists because they aren't "real" men and just want to fit into society's gender stereotypes/norms, hmmm?????? 

Naw, not at all. I just always remind people that gender is tricky. Every small move towards expanding our minds past the idea of what "men" and "women" are supposed to appear, behave, dress, or talk like is a step in the right direction for being more inclusive to our LGBTQ community.

2. It makes men think that they themselves, or any of their good friends, couldn't possibly be rapists.

Yo, so you tell a guy that only "not real" men rape, they say, well hell yeah I'm a real man, I could never rape anyone, that's how real of a man I am. And if they have a good group of buddies, chances are they won't see them as rapists either.

Guys are crucial advocates in the movement to end gender-based violence. They have the opportunity to call out other guys for their creepy, predatory, sexist behavior. But will they do that if they think they/their chill bro friends could never be not "real" men/rapists?!!? I bet the $1.10 in my bank account, they won't.

Saying "real" men don't rape puts a barrier between guys and the issue. They think it doesn't apply to them or their friends. They'll be less likely to see the behavior within themselves or their friend group and less likely to call it out.

3. It perpetuates the urban legend that a rapist is a man that creeps around in bushes and blitz attacks his victims at random. 

The guys in your life are real men. Your friends, family, acquaintances, they all seem like real, levelheaded men, or else you wouldn't associate with them, would you?

And how would you feel if you found out one of them had sexually assaulted someone? You'd probably be shocked right?

But check this out, in 75-80% of sexual assault cases, the victim KNOWS her attacker! It's either a friend, ex boyfriend, acquaintance, etc. Holy plot twist, Batman.

Sexual assault is not something that is perpetrated by some abnormal, Nosferatu-looking fool creepin around the streets at night. So get rid of the idea that "real" men don't rape. They are very much real. They are a part of our daily lives. They act normal. We trust them.

Everyone needs to know this fact because too much victim blaming occurs because "Oh no, so and so would never do that. He's such a nice, normal guy. You guys are friends, right? He wouldn't do something like that to you. Are you sure you aren't mad at him for something else?" WRONG. WRONG. WRONG. So and so was a "real" dude who did a horrible thing and we need to start believing survivors no matter what.

4. It implies that rapists must have something wrong with them/are mentally ill. 

So real men don't rape. Who rapes then? Somebody who has something wrong with them. They must be lunatics, psychopaths, sadists, harden criminals. SOMETHING has to be wrong with their mind for them to commit these horrible crimes.

There are real people out there who suffer from mental disorders or diseases every single day. Sending the message to them that mental illness is horrible and will lead them to commit heinous crimes or that "craziness" (euphemism for "mental illness") is the cause for rape is ableist.

We are in a way shaming these people and further stigmatizing mental illness by saying that it must be the root cause of certain crimes.

So what? Did I just completely exclude men from the movement to end gender-based violence? Nope nopity nope.

• We need men to teach boys about healthy sexual relationships that are not based on power and control. 
• We need men to act as active bystanders to call out bad behavior and be vocal about what they think is wrong. 
• We need men to realize the privilege they have, check the privilege they have, and then use it to uplift women and set a good example for younger men. 

So get out there wit your bad self and set a good example for the youths. It starts with you. 

Destroy the Phrase "Daddy Issues"

When I was younger, I always wanted my dad to be one of those dads that greets every male visitor, of which I probably had a total of 2.7 during high school, with a shot gun. I wanted him to scare the living bejesus out of any guy that so much as looked at me, which again, was probably a total of 3.6.

My dad wasn't that kind of guy. And when I was still in elementary school and he sternly told me that I wasn't allowed to call him "daddy" anymore, I was a little heartbroken. I didn't understand how society viewed girls that used the term "daddy" as more damaged and less important than other girls.

So I grew up with a kick ass dad whose only short coming was not wielding rifles 24/7 and getting arrested for threatening teenage boys. Still, I always found myself trying to impress him. My meal of preference is just a slab of meat, I've gotten to the point where I don't cry when he drives me around on his motorcycle, and I get to have sports-related conversations with him every 4 years during the World Cup.

However, every girl grows up differently. Some grow up with absent fathers, abusive fathers, neglectful fathers, or might just want more out of their relationship with their father.

The term "daddy issues" mocks girls that have nonexistent, broken, or fragile relationships with their fathers. How sick is that?

And before you say, well men have parental issues too *whine* *cry* *pouty face*...

Think about the term "mama's boy"...that doesn't exactly render the same response of sexual shaming, degradation, and mockery. The term portrays these boys as sweet, with good relationships with their mothers, and respectful towards women.

Back to the issue. Here are the faults, among many more, with the phrase "daddy issues":

1. It fetishizes women who are overly eager to please men, especially sexually.

Take a look at porn. The fact that there's even categories for "daddy issues" is gross.

Men are attracted to these women for aggressive, one time sex. But these women are not worthy of long term relationships because they are "sluts". If I like aggressive sex, I'm deemed to have "daddy issues"...if I show other signs of "daddy issues", I must be a freak in the sheets.

I've experienced it personally in a sexual relationship that I felt comfortable enough to be myself in bed. The guy immediately started treating me differently. He asked me if I was a porn star and he started calling me a slut like it should turn me on? Ew, get away with that crap.

2. It infantilizes women who call their significant others "daddy".

If a woman chooses or feels obligated to call her significant other "daddy" she is automatically infantilized by both men and other women.

Using the term "daddy" establishes a place of submissiveness in the bedroom. But hey, that's all gucci for some people. Roles of dominant and submissive partners can be part of healthy relationships. So don't blame them on "daddy issues" and assume this woman is weak or insecure. However, it can also be demeaning towards some women and make them feel uncomfortable to call a man "daddy" because of this power imbalance. Talk it out with your boo and make sure everyone is feeling equally valued during sexy time.

Also, women, stop saying it's "creepy" when other women call their significant other "daddy". You don't know her life. You don't know if she enjoys it. You also don't know if she does it as a result of having a skewed relationship with her father. Ease up and support your sisters, geeze.

3. It discredits feminists and women who may seem "masculine". 

Often times, when women have strong beliefs against patriarchy or traditional masculinity, or display themselves as more masculine in dress or behavior, their ideas are dismissed because they must have "daddy issues".

Just because I don't want to submit to ideas of traditional femininity, wear dresses every day, and have long hair, doesn't mean I had a crappy relationship with my dad. It doesn't mean I was raised with a bad father figure example. It doesn't mean my views on the world are skewed because I was socialized with a broken father-daughter relationship.

I could just be one smart cookie who realizes your misogynistic, double standard bullshit and I'm not taking any more of it. I wear combat boots and converse because they are comfortable, not because I'm trying to rebel against men as a result of not being loved enough by my father. So sit down, son.

Women have the insane burden of being pressured to be a freak in the sheets but a lady in the streets.  And we can't be both because the term "daddy issues" gets snuck in there and discredits our whole personality by saying a man "made us this way".

So DO NOT use an insecurity to tear a woman down. DO NOT use an insecurity to exploit a woman. And for Gloria Steinem's sake, DO NOT use an insecurity as an excuse to view a woman as less valuable, confident, intelligent, or capable of kicking your ass.

What the New 'Yes Means Yes' Bill Means

There's been a lot of criticism surrounding the new "Yes Means Yes" bill for California universities. It's an invasion of privacy; you can't control what I do in the bedroom; my sexual prowess can't be tamed! Whoa there, Casanova. Let me explain why the "Yes Means Yes" bill, which replaces the idea of "No Means No" is better for everyone all around!

First, here's the problem with the idea of "No Means No"

Hey wanna have sex?      *silence*
Hey wanna have sex?       Idk
Hey wanna have sex?      *passed out drunk*
Hey wanna have sex?      *passed out asleep*

WELL THEY DIDN'T SAY 'NO', RIGHT?! Were you really sexually assaulted if you didn't say no? Why didn't you put up a fight? Why didn't you leave? Where was your pepper spray and chastity belt?! For god's sake, why did you get so drunk that you couldn't say "no"?!

It is NOT the victim's responsibility to have done everything in their power short of shanking a perp with a machete to prove that they are indeed a victim and that, no, they didn't want this to happen to them. The absence of a "no" is not an inherent "yes".  Blaming the victim for not protecting themselves does not justify or excuse a horrific crime.

Confused why someone wouldn't say no? Here are a few reasons someone might not be able/feel comfortable enough to say no:

1. Flight, fight, or freeze responses. Learn a Psych 101 book, duh. When put into certain threatening situations, some victims might freeze. They won't say or do anything that makes you indicate that they do or do not want sex.

2. Women specifically are not empowered enough today to say "no". Think about it. Have you ever seen a girl being cat called on the street? Did she ever turn around and say "NO WAY BRO YOU DON'T SAY THAT ISH TO ME!"? I doubt it.

3. Guys are socialized from a young age that they should always want sex. So what if they are put in a situation where they don't want it? They might not feel comfortable saying no either.

Here's why "Yes Means Yes" is the shiz and will promote healthier, more communicative sexual relationships for everyone.

Hey wanna have sex?       hell yeah
Hey wanna have sex?      *nods head up and down emphatically*
Hey wanna have sex?      *rips off all clothes*

So not all of these are verbal yeses, right? Aha! So if we accept non verbal cues as a yes, then we shouldn't require verbal cues for a no. So scratch all that "no means no" nonsense. People can't just run around willy nilly committing crimes and get away with it as long as the victim doesn't say no. For example,

Me: *steals your watch*
You: yo, that's mine, I didn't give it to you
Judge: well looky here, you never said no, you never said Bailey couldn't have it...so tough titties, kid. Case dismissed!

Oh hey, but here's when yes doesn't actually mean yes, you devil's advocate, you.

Hey wanna have sex or I'll break up with you?      ok...
Hey wanna have sex if you actually really love/like me?      ok...
Hey wanna have sex?      Yeah...*an hour later* Crap, no I changed my mind!

Yeah, coercion is not consent, my good friend. A person's "yes" should be willing, enthusiastic, and genuine. Erryone also has the ability to change/revoke their consent at any time.

So what? I have to ask a person to have sex every time?! What if it's a fiery, spontaneous, spur of the moment intense love making sesh? What if we've been dating for 5 years? What if we've been hooking up for a month?

Yo, if you can't take the 2 seconds to ensure that your partner is ready to frick frack, you really shouldn't be frick fracking with them. And if you just ask it frees both parties up to get loosey goosey and weird with it because no one will be wondering gee...can I put my hand on her boob? Is she down for that? Should I take my shirt off? Is it too early to ease into dry humping? Open a little dialogue, my friend, and you won't be left guessing what your partner does and doesn't want.

So to recap, "No Means No" blames the victim if they didn't explicitly fight a perpetrator off with a medieval flail while screaming like a Banshee warrior. "Yes Means Yes" makes the initiator responsible for getting sincere consent. And if you think opening your mouth, to utter 1 sentence, that indicates you genuinely care about your partner, while in the bedroom, is going to kill the mood then you need to go reread the Kama Sutra and learn some new seducing techniques, cause your game is weeeeak.