What the Body Positivity Movement is Missing

I'll start by saying that the body positivity movement is absolutely necessary and does many great things. In a culture that highly sexualizes and commercializes women's bodies, it is absolutely necessary to have a movement to celebrate bodies as they are. We should acknowledge, accept, and celebrate the parts of our bodies that the media and capitalism have told us are shameful, imperfect, and need fixing. And this extends beyond body size and weight.

As the movement has grown, we've seen in begin to include, celebrate, and discuss topics including curves, stretch marks, tummy rolls, body hair, makeup, and breast size. We've seen, and could still stand to see more, women of color, queer women, trans women, Muslim women, and women with disabilities speak out about their unique bodies. These intersections of race, class, ability, gender, and sexuality need to be further explored in the body positivity movement. We still need to continue to dismantle eurocentric beauty standards. Not all the models and faces of the body positivity should be white, cis, straight women. We need to speak out on and celebrate trans bodies, butch bodies, femme bodies, men's bodies, old bodies, bodies with disabilities and/or chronic illness, bodies that adhere to religious beliefs/attire, bodies of those who can't afford braces or acne treatment.

Yet, while I see these critiques of the body positivity movement, while I see the call to action to make it more diverse and explore these intersectional issues, there is consistently one thing I see missing. I do not mean to say that this missing thing is more important than those other intersectional issues. We still have much work to do within the body positivity movement regarding diversity. However, this topic needs to be addressed in these critiques, as well.

And that is STDs and STIs.

Some may argue that these issues belong to the sex positivity movement. And they do. But they also belong in the body positivity movement. STDs/STIs are so intimately linked to the body and they need to be addressed. We need to dismantle the negative stigmas, prejudices, self-hatred, and abuse surrounding STDs/STIs.

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STDs/STIs are so intimately linked to the body and they need to be addressed. 

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We are taught from a young age that STDs/STIs are dirty, scary, shameful, embarrassing and only low class, "slutty" people get them. Certain STDs/STIs are the brunt of classist, sexist, racist jokes about sex workers, promiscuous women, women from the "hood", etc. The fear-based method of teaching about STDs/STIs often translates into hatred, loathing, and fear of one's body after they contract something. 

The negative stigmas around STDs/STIs often make people feel like their body is disconnected or foreign to them. It makes people feel like their body is dirty, tainted, or ruined. But STDs/STIs do not make your body unlovable, unworthy, dirty, or shameful. It is hard to remember these things when society treats STDs/STIs with such negative, prejudicial stigmas. It's also hard to remember these things when you're newly diagnosed, having an outbreak, or experiencing an increase in symptoms that directly affect your body. 

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When we say "all bodies are beautiful," 

we need to include the ones with STDs/STIs.

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So while we expand the body positivity movement to include intersectional issues of race, gender, sexuality, ability, etc., we need to remember to include discussions about STDs/STIs. They directly affect the body and the way people relate to, treat, and view their own bodies. We need to dismantle the toxic stigmas that STDs/STIs are indicative of a dirty, unlovable body. Love, accept, and celebrate the body through battles, experiences, and lifelong relationships with STDs/STIs. When we say "all bodies are beautiful" we need to include the ones with STDs/STIs. 

Why You Are Not "My Sisters"

As I prepare to join the National Women's March on Washington, I'm reminded by fellow activists that we as white women have failed other women. We have failed women of color, trans women, queer women, Muslim women, undocumented women, Native women, and others. It is our long history of comfortable activism that has aided in perpetuating systems of oppression. We march when the marches are national, we post on social media when there is a hashtag, we share articles on Facebook, we wear shirts when they are trendy. But what we NEED is to be more active, more sustainable, more radical, and more intersectional.

In thinking about ways to make my activism more intersectional and of better use to other more marginalized women, I started to develop a rhetoric of inclusion and unity which started to become a rhetoric of homogeny, erasure, ownership, and white supremacy.

I started to think of women as a whole. I thought about "my sisters" and "our sisters" and how to use those phrases to motivate other white women to reevaluate and strengthen their activism and feminism through more intersectional methods. After all, we're all women. We bond over periods, motherhood, breasts, sexual violence, sexism, right? White women should all feel an innate bond and connection to other women because of these things, right? We're SISTERS, right?

WRONG. You are not "my sister" and this rhetoric used by white women is toxic, racist, and erasing.

First off, you are not "mine." This rhetoric implies ownership which is quite honestly disgusting and a perpetuation of white supremacy and colonialism. I think white women use this rhetoric to motivate each other into activism but it's actually doing more harm than good. We want to claim some sort of involvement and responsibility to the feminism and social justice movement but we cannot do so by claiming ownership over other women and their lives.

Secondly, you are not a "sister." I don't know anything about your life experiences as they are influenced by racism, homophobia, transphobia, colonialism, islamophobia, ableism, slut shaming, fat shaming, etc. I cannot claim some shallow bond of "sisterhood" in order to include myself in your fight for social justice and the dismantling of oppression. If we were truly sisters I would not have abandoned you in times of need. I would not be a come-and-go activist. I would not have the option to take a break from activism and pick and choose what I want to be involved in.

As white women we need to find a better way to involve ourselves in social justice movements. We have failed a lot of other women for centuries. They have fought and thrived without our help but we still have a duty and responsibility to humankind to fight for equity, social justice, and the dismantling of systems of oppression. To do so, we must reevaluate our methods to include and empower marginalized women. We must reevaluate our rhetoric and how we effectively get other white women involved in social justice issues.

As a white woman, I vow to the following:

• To actively seek out activist tactics and methods that are intersectional and empower marginalized women 
• To LISTEN to other women and act on their advice for social justice matters 
• I will admit to and apologize for the failures I, and my race, have made 
• I will not pick and choose what social justice issues I fight for; I will not "pass" on certain issues because I am tired or am not personally affected by them 
• To view other women as autonomous human beings with immense strength, capabilities, and knowledge 

Appropriation of Pain: White Guilt & LGBTQ Allies

So I have a hobby of hanging out in graveyards. I think they're beautiful and a poignant connection to the past. I also fully recognize the part of myself that finds it cathartic to borrow other people's pain for a little bit and then continue on my merry way. I think we can all relate to that concept to some degree. Ever slowed your driving to peep a roadside accident? Or been fascinated with a news story simply because it's a little graphic or morbid? Or at the age of 10 only read the obituary section of the newspaper? Just me? Okay then...

Point is, I think we can all imagine a time when we've found ourselves drawn to tragedy that has nothing to do with ourselves. Why is that? Because viewing someone else's pain from a distance, being removed from it, allows us to experience a catharsis of sadness and also allows us to feel grateful that the tragedy didn't happen to us. 

So per usual, I started to think about how this applies to social justice and marginalized groups. And wouldn't you know, it turns out the borrowing other people's lives and cultures, especially their pain associated with the oppression and criminalization of their lives and cultures, IS NOT A NICE THING.  

Appropriation is a really wide topic, so I wanted to just focus on appropriation of pain. So that means specifically trying to insert yourself into a marginalized group in an attempt to feel their pain or make yourself some sort of martyr for that group.

And who else is a more perfect candidate for this social justice no-no than straight allies? Let's talk about what is so morbidly wrong, and actually harmful to the LGBTQ community, about straight allies.

1. Straight people already have enough social space of their own. So straight allies, GTFO of ours!!!

LGBTQ spaces are created for many reasons, but some of those include providing physical and emotional safety for our community. Any spaces - physical, social, written, etc.- that revolve around the LGBTQ community are created because we need bonds, support, validation, and visibility. STRAIGHT PEOPLE DO NOT NEED THIS. You get validation for your sexuality every day since the day you're born, you have visibility in literally everything, and you don't really need support for a sexuality that is the social "norm".

The full acronym (that I'm aware of and is by no means official as identities are always being renamed, reclaimed, and realized) is LGBTTQQIAPP and I'd argue +D for demi. And what does that A stand for? Asexual. Is there another A for allies? Hell fucking no. By including yourself in the LGBTQ acronym or community, you are basically stating that you feel entitled to a safe space when you're already safe. Under the guise of social justice and empathy you are taking resources and space from those who truly need it. Be an ally but do social justice work in your own lane not ours.

2. Straight people literally directly experience 0% of the pain and struggle of coming out or self-identifying as queer. 

There have been too many damn times when I've experienced straight allies showing up to LGBTQ events and getting on a soap box dramatic monologue about their struggle of supporting their gay friend or lesbian sister. I've seen straight people literally cry at public events when telling the story of finding out their brother was gay or that one time they said "I accept you" to their queer bff. What the literal fuck is wrong with you?

Coming out to yourself, friends, family, anyone is an extremely hard process that often leads to people being kicked out of their homes, harassed at work, or physically/sexually abused. Straight people experience NONE of this. I don't care if it was hard on your family to find out your brother was gay, you're not gay, you're not living it, you're not the one that could potentially be harassed or hurt. Straight people that come into LGBTQ spaces and then take up time and resources with their faux martyrdom are absolute trash. Don't try to pretend you understand any of the pain LGBTQ individuals go through, you will literally never know. So stop speaking over our pain.

Another group that comes to mind when thinking about the appropriation of pain is those who so self-righteously inflict white guilt upon themselves.

1. White guilt distracts the conversation from being about the real issues of racism.

If you use spaces dedicated to discussing issues of racism to voice your deep emotional pain and guilt over your ancestors being hugely racist, bigoted assholes, then you yourself are an asshole. Living with a history of your people being enslaved, unjustly murdered, and systemically oppressed is uncountably more times distressing than knowing your dear great great grandad Elmer Mayo-Smith was a racist bag of dicks.

By feeling white guilt, or believing it is even really a thing, you are 1. stating that racism is a thing of the past that only your ancestors took part in when FALSE racism is very much fucking alive today and 2. that your pity party is more important than the real mistreatment and oppression of people of color. Literally, you are insanely privileged if you are white, so stop trying to make the conversation about you. Issues of racism apply to people of color and how they experience the world. Give people of color the space and strength to voice these experiences, frustrations, thoughts, etc. since they are the one's who are oppressed daily. Use your privilege to aid people of color in these efforts NOT use your privilege to paint yourself as the victim when you are the farthest thing from one in terms of racism.

2. White guilt is racist in that it attempts to trump white pain/guilt over the real, historical oppression/victimization/criminalization of black people.

If you think your pathetic white pain is more worthy of being voiced that real systemic oppression, physical violence, and negative stereotyping of people of color than you my friend ARE RACIST.

You are taking vocal space away from people of color by voicing your misplaced white guilt. You are physically taking up space, that you have already been privileged with your entire life, that could be used by people of color to voice their real-life experiences, a space that they have been historically denied and pushed out of.

You are inserting yourself into a space that people of color have fought long and hard to have and create for themselves. You are appropriating their pain, stealing their voice, and derailing the conversation of racism to be about you because you think you are more important. You're about as racist as your old grandad Mayo-man.

Okay so this all sounds like a huge bummer, right? Awww but Bailey...I'm just trying to help...how am I supposed to be a good ally and advocate for the LGBTQ and POC communities? The answer is simple, my friends. You sit down and shut up. You do not get a gold ribbon and a pulpit for a personal dramatic monologue for being an empathetic, decent human being. You do not need to constantly voice your "support" for marginalized groups. We have our own voice and we need a space to let it be heard. We can't do that if you're constantly blabbing about what a great ally your are and how it personally takes a toll on you to support your gay friend or think about your racist grandpa Mayo. So just settle down and share the space.

Advice for Dating Someone with Depression

So I was originally going to title this post "Tips for Dating Someone with Depression" but I thought that made those who suffer from depression sound a bit like household pets or a DIY craft project. Like, "follow these 10 simple steps to maintaining your own mentally ill individual!"..............ehhh not quite the vibe I'm going for.

I'm in first relationship since I've been in college and I've learned a lot about myself through the ways my girlfriend reacts to and navigates my depression. These tips can really be applied to anyone in your life who suffers from depression just as a better way to care for and support them. Note: these tips are not on how to "deal with" or "put up with" someone's depression. If you think caring for someone's mental health is a chore or something beyond the bare minimum that you put into a relationship, then you really shouldn't be dating that person. Or anyone, ya douchebag.

Mental illness doesn't automatically make someone a burden to others. As a supporter, you shouldn't view mental illness as some pesky annoyance in your life; you're not the one living in it. Depression is hard to manage on your own but sometimes it can also be difficult managing with a significant other too. I've learned a lot through my relationship in terms of explaining my depression, helping my girlfriend understand it, and letting her help me manage it. I can imagine that dating someone with depression might be disheartening at times when you can't be the solution, but I want to share some things to help supporters and significant others put less pressure on themselves and better understand depression.

1. Don't take it personally that your love doesn't "get rid" of their depression

I'm not even sure why I started with this point because if this piece of advice shocking to you then you're a narcissistic piece of shit. Nevertheless, I think it is important for some people to remember. Whether you like to play savior in your relationships, which is incredibly unhealthy btw, or you simply really care for someone, you need to realize that you alone CANNOT FIX A MENTAL ILLNESS. It is nothing against you. There isn't anything wrong with your personality or the way you love a person, it just will not completely "get rid" of someone's depression. So don't expect it to.

And for christ's sake, don't throw yourself a pity party like boo hoo but I brought you cookies why aren't you happy and dtf now???? wahhhh. Don't guilt your friend or partner for still having a mental illness even when you do nice things for them. This isn't about you, dammit. I shouldn't have to deal with my depression and make you feel like a special snowflake for being a good friend too. I'm not going to try to remain mentally stable and constantly hand you awards for treating me like a human being. My depression will probably always be with me to some degree. I'm extremely grateful for my friends and girlfriend who recognize that and do special things to help get me out of bed and not self harm. But they all know that they are not some magical Jesus Christ of mental illnesses here to cure the world.

2. Ask ask ask, but don't pressure

If you don't understand something about your friend/significant other's depression, just ask them. Be constantly willing to learn how depression manifests itself and how to respond to it. However, there's also a good chance that that person won't have an answer to give you. A lot of times people want to ask "Why are you sad?" and "What will cheer you up?" like if I knew the answers to those things I wouldn't have stayed in bed without showering and only eating hot cheetos for an entire week, now would I?

Depression is tricky because it isn't a bad mood, a test stressing you out, or a bad hair day. I can't pinpoint exact things that trigger a depressive episode. I may be able to tell you certain times of the year that I have more episodes and I may be able to quote my therapist's advice to you, but I can't tell you the straight up do's and don'ts for handling my depression. That's the whole point of depression; it doesn't always have a reason. There's no definite cause. So ease up.

Be willing to learn. Ask questions about what works and what doesn't. But don't expect someone with depression to give you all the answers. Don't interrogate them like they possess all the magical tricks of the trade to cheer themselves up and they're just hiding them from you. Wtf is wrong with you?

3. Come up with a warning signal/word

Sometimes it can be really hard to admit that you need help or support or a pint of Ben & Jerry's. On a more serious note, sometimes it can also be really hard to admit that you are not in a healthy, stable place. It can be embarrassing to reach out and have to admit that you're afraid of being alone because you don't know what you could do to yourself.

But but but I'm such a good friend, I would just tell them to call me whenever they feel sad, even if it's 3am, even if it's 50 years later and I'm retired on a Carnival cruise...Naw son, that don't mean jack diddly to someone with a mental illness. Sure, it's a nice gesture to say that. But individuals with a mental illness are constantly belittled and made to feel like they are just making it up. So even if you don't require an explanation, an individual with a mental illness will feel the need to give one. Just to justify themselves, their emotions, and their need for help.

So, just to relieve some of that pressure, make a code word that a person can just text or say or tap out in morse code to let you know that things are serious and they need some sort of support/presence immediately. It's simple, quick, and a lot less intimidating than having to craft a sentence like "dear god help me I'm in a major depressive episode" in a more socially acceptable way.

4. Help them with their self care 

Individuals with certain mental illnesses are drawn to self-harming or self-sabotaging behaviors. The whole thing about depression is that I don't really value myself soooo of course I'm not going to eat healthy or have a normal sleep schedule or go to class??? I try my hardest but some days it's like having intense senioritis in every aspect of your life.

So as a friend or supporter, you have a super awesome opportunity to give your friend/partner a little nudge in the right direction that is greatly appreciated. Try getting your friend out of the house for a little bit, cook them a healthy meal, invite them to go on a walk with you. Simple little things like these can have a huge impact. Because for someone with depression these little things are like the biggest, most daunting, horrific, painful tasks ever. My roommate makes sure I'm awake in the mornings and I'll be damned if that woman doesn't get everything in my will one day. My girlfriend makes me eat vegetables sometimes, so I guess they can go halfsies on the will.

Point is, just encourage your friend to do a few healthy things. Even though they might seem like simple, common sense tasks to you, it means a lot to a person with depression to have someone help them and encourage them to take care of themselves.

5. Don't be an enabler to any destructive habits they're trying to kick

One of the hardest things for me to do was stop drinking in college. Mainly because the people I called friends thought it was a ridiculous idea and apparently weren't fond of binge drinking every night of the weekend on their own. Now that I've surrounded myself with decent human beings that have at least a single shred of human empathy, it's become a lot easier for me to stop drinking which has definitely helped with my depression a crap ton.

I enjoy being friends with people that actually call me out on my shit. In a loving manner of course. The people that enabled me to be an alcoholic disaster that it was a cute quirky aspect of my personality and thoroughly enjoyed not having to be alone in their endeavours to single-handedly destroy their own livers. My friends now push me to constantly better myself which includes kicking some gnarly habits that I picked up as ways to self-medicate my depression. I've made a lot of progress because of my own work but also, because my friends and girlfriend are rad as fuck and don't enable me to continue destroying myself. So when in doubt, tell your mentally ill friends and lovers that no, they can't have another shot of Taaka or heroin and that yes, they can live a sober and less self-harmful life because you're there to support them.

Depression blows and life with it sucks, but it's made infinitely better by the people in my life that genuinely want to support me and see me do my best, not those who are only in the friendship/relationship to benefit themselves. I think we should all try to be that supportive person in our friends and significant others' lives. In being true to my depressive nature, I'll end with saying that life sucks and then you die but I still wish we could all bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy. Or something along those lines. 

Male Privilege & Public Space

There's a lot of talk in the world of social activism about "space". It's not like all social advocates have a grand master plan to launch themselves into space and create an Interstellar-esque human race completely rid of systemic oppression and institutionalized power imbalances. Though I'm not opposed to such a plan...

But before I resurrect NASA, I'd like to explain what "space" in terms of social advocacy means, why it is so important, and what you can do to use your privilege to create space for marginalized groups.

Space can be physical. It can come in the form of meetings, gatherings, parades, group discussions. Space can be visual. It can be created in movies, TV shows, advertisements, commercials. Space can also be vocal and auditory in the form of radio, speeches, books, pamphlets.

So, think about a privileged group, white men, for example. They occupy a majority of spaces. They are always depicted in the media, they make up a majority of the government, as an English major I can tell you that 99.7% of the historical works I read are by white males. So why is this so detrimental? When a group of privilege takes up a majority of a society's space, it leaves little room for marginalized groups. Without LGBTQ friendly clubs, those youth grow up feeling isolated and sometimes internalize homophobia. Without positive representation of black women in the media, little black girls grow up thinking they are less beautiful than white women. Without multi-accessible websites and chat rooms, individuals with disabilities cannot expand their knowledge about their disability and find support through others with the same disability.

These are just a few examples of the detriments that a homogeneous space, occupied by a privileged group, can harm, isolate, and suppress marginalized groups.

I want to focus on one example that I see EVERY SINGLE DAY of my life. That is men using unchecked male privilege to occupy public space to the point of crossing boundaries, instilling fear, and demonstrating a core ideology of sexism.

I'm pretty sure every girl I've ever met has experienced a random guy coming up behind them at a party and just start grinding their nasty crotch up against them with no notice. Every girl has probably been walking down the street and been whistled or hollered at. And every girl has most likely experienced the fear of making eye contact with a guy for more than 1/2 a second for fear that they will take it as an invitation to fuck, make a bee-line to them, and commence their hideous mating ritual of cocky self-entitlement.

Since I encounter examples like these every single day, I think it's safe to assume that there still exists a male population that is completely oblivious of their privilege and have no fucking clue that their physical and vocal presence is not solicited, not wanted, not consensual, and instills fear and discomfort in many women. So let's talk about why this abuse of male privilege is bad and what men can do to knock that shit off.

1. IT'S NOT FUCKING CONSENSUAL 

What is it about a half a second of eye contact that you read as "yes, please approach me and begin to spit game in the cockiest way because we both already know that I'm completely willing to go home with you"? Men, mistaking the slightest bit of contact or politeness from women as consent is the most annoying and disgusting thing that you can do. If I make eye contact with you, this is not a sign to approach me. If I smile at you out of politeness, this is not a sign to approach me. Even if I continue a conversation with you for more than 30 seconds, THIS IS NOT AN INVITATION TO GET ANY CLOSER TO ME. Your male privilege allows you to feel entitled to the space around you, including the space within inches of my face. But this space is not fucking yours and you do not have all women's consent to insert yourself into their space at any time that feels convenient to you.

But Bailey, what are you saying? I'm not allowed to go up to a pretty girl at a bar and make polite conversation? Naw, just make sure that she's comfortable with it. Maybe instead of reading half a second of eye contact as the green light, wait until she noticeably makes eye contact with you or doesn't break eye contact or does so while smiling and giving other body language signals of receptiveness. For Christ's sake, just stop assuming every woman's personal space and time is worthy of your presence.

2. IT SCARES THE LIVING HELL OUT OF WOMEN

There is nothing scarier than some random man that I've never seen in my entire life telling me to "have a good night" as I'm walking home from the bars at night. That is a sure fire way to make sure I put my keys between my knuckles and practically sprint home ready to sucker punch any other man that tries to approach me.

A lot of men will say that they are just trying to be polite. No. You are making your presence known to that woman. You are displaying a pathetic attempt to get her attention, let her know that you are in her vicinity, and desperately hoping she'll be reckless enough to react to this slimy comment and give you some of her time.

News flash, since a majority of sexual assaults are committed by men, women have become hyper-vigilant of any man in their presence, especially strangers. Male privilege in combination with hyper masculinity and sexism is a potent combination that often leads to violence. Women are well fucking aware of that. You reminding them that you are there, that you are potentially stronger than them, and that you have the disrespectful audacity to insert yourself into their space instills an insane amount of fear that you will never in your entire life ever understand.

Tip - unless a woman looks seriously in danger, don't fucking insert your physical presence into her life. You have zero rights and you don't belong there.

3. IT EXCLUDES OTHER WOMEN WHO NEED THE DAMN SPACE MORE THAN YOU DO

This refers specifically to men inserting themselves into certain realms of the feminist movement. Yes, we need men in the feminist movement. Why? Because our society is so deep rooted in sexism that women aren't taken as seriously and we need men to voice our message in order for it to be heard. So yes, male feminists come one, come all BUT stop inserting your opinion, your words, your ideas into the discussion. The ideology of the feminist movement needs to be made up BY WOMEN seeing as it is FOR WOMEN. And since you have no fucking clue what it's like to live as a woman, your opinion is completely irrelevant, harmful, and takes up space that other women could be occupying to let their experiences be heard.

You want to help fight the big bad patriarchy? Good, then shut up and listen to what women are saying is really wrong. Remove your voice from the vocal and auditory space in order for more women to be heard. The longer you shut up and stop voicing your useless opinions on feminism, the more other women can have the space to be heard. Your job is just to listen and then act in a way that those women say is helpful to the movement.

The topic of space within social activism is a lot broader than just public space and concerns a lot more people than just white men. As a fairly privileged white woman, this is the example that is most prominent in my life. However, I have to be aware of taking up too much space myself. Within the feminist movement, I must always be making space for women of color, women with disabilities, and transwomen and not inserting myself into spaces and conversations that are not directly relevant to my experience as a white queer woman. And I suggest you all try to do the same.

Navigating My Femininity Through My First Gay Relationship

Yooo so the cat's out of the closet, I'm dating a girl. She's super rad and gorgeous and smells a lot better than any guy I've ever met. I'm extremely happy and feel more authentically myself. I've known I was attracted to girls for a long time but I've never actually been in a relationship with one. I definitely don't believe that you have to be in a relationship with or hook up with someone of a different gender to confirm that you're queer, but it can definitely be a very validating experience. It's like damn, I knew I was right with this whole liking girls thing this is fucking awesome.

However, I did go through a slight identity crisis in regards to my femininity, not my sexuality, when I first starting dating this said radical babe. All of a sudden when I started visibly living a queer life and following the gay agenda that they give you upon coming out, I felt more closely tied to the queer community and felt the need to constantly present myself as queer, whatever the hell that actually means.

So I'd like to share some of the things that I initially worried about, things I learned, and different view points I acquired when I began to think about, and constantly barrage my girlfriend with questions about, what my femininity means within a gay relationship.

1. I worried about appearing too feminine 

I wear a decent amount of makeup on a regular basis. I'm a fan of a nice, thick winged eyeliner. Most days I look like modern Elvira minus the cleavage solely because I lack a steady enough hand to master a dainty, subtle winged eye look. I didn't think much about it until I started openly identifying as bi and even more so when I started my first relationship with another girl. I had this idea that my face full of makeup was an glaring indicator that I was straight, or at least a really terrible gay girl.  I worried my girlfriend would be embarrassed to be seen with me because I didn't look gay. I worried she wouldn't be attracted to me because I looked too straight. I had this idea that makeup was equal to traditional femininity which was the opposite of gay. And although I new better than to judge people's sexuality based on their gender expression, I couldn't help but judge myself.

So I had to stop a reassess what my expression of femininity meant to me and how it played into my sexuality. Turns out the two are completely unrelated. WOW IMAGINE THAT! Just because someone chooses to express themselves in a traditionally feminine way doesn't mean they're straight or even that they're a woman. So hell with it! I'll continue to rock all my makeup because I feel comfortable in it and if someone wants to read me as straight then so be it, I have a baller girlfriend at home waiting for me who happens to think I'm attractive as hell with or without makeup.

2. I had to rethink what my role was during sex 

I grew up sneakily reading the sex tips of Cosmo when my mom and I went to the salon. Each time she turned to talk to me I'd slyly flip the page and make it look like I had been staring at an ad for botox for the last 20 minutes. But from those snippets I learned tips on ways to perform during heterosexual sex. And I will tell you what I learned from all of that that is applicable to my life now - fucking nothing. There's no Cosmo articles titled "100 Ways to Drive Your Lesbian Lover Crazy in Bed" and my parents never had to force me to close my eyes during family movie night because two chicks were going at it. Because that literally was never part of a plot of any movie or TV show.

So I basically went into my first gay relationship having zero concept of what to do sexually because there's not really a plethora of media or popular culture for young LGBTQ kids to garner some sense of sex as it applies to their sexuality. So I had to toss the tricks and positions I had learned to please men and really, start paying attention to my partner. How the hell else am I supposed to learn short of reading the Kama Sutra and binge watching The L Word? So my position, literally and metaphorically, as a female during a sexual encounter has changed because there's no longer a man involved. And thank god for that.

3. I've even started to reconsider my ideas of motherhood

Even though I knew I liked girls and I knew I could see myself in a long term relationship with one, somehow pregnancy in a gay relationship didn't cross my mind until now? And I mean this in a very hypothetical, futuristic sense so please, don't worry mom. It wasn't the part about loving a girl or marrying a girl that I thought about, it was the idea of who the hell carries the baby?

I am 1,000% down to have kids. I feel an inexplicable need to raise little feminist children who defy the gender binary and are aware of institutionalized privilege by the age of 3. I consider pregnancy to be a really radical aspect of femininity and womanhood for some people. I personally think carrying a child is a big milestone in my own progress of womanhood. So the hypothetical thought of my female partner doing that instead kind of made me insecure? I wasn't completely positive that if my partner were the only one to be able to carry our child, or even if she was the first to carry a child of ours, that I would feel secure in my womanhood and not feel inadequate.

I'm still working this one out in my mind but I'm definitely sure that when and if the time comes I'll be secure enough because I really shouldn't parent a child if I'm not. So....to be continued on this section. Like 10+ years from now.

So basically, girls are fan-freaking-tanstic. I love being one, I love dating one, I love surrounding myself with them at my job and downtown as a tactic to avoid ever having to talk to, or even acknowledge, self-entitled jackoffs at the bars. The cool thing about having so many strong, empowered women in my life is that I'm constantly contemplating what it means for me to be a woman and what my femininity encompasses. And I've realized those things are a pretty fluid part of me. My womanhood and femininity kind of just adapt and and adjust based on wherever I happen to be in life and that's how gender and gender expression should be, my friends.

Ps. I realize that in this post I use the terms bi, gay, and queer synonymously. That's because I'm comfortable identifying as all of them. As much as I don't want to promote bi erasure, it's simply more natural for me not to use that term 100% of the time. Different strokes for different folks, jah feel?

Petition to Ban the Phrase "Suck My Dick"

I'll be the first to admit that when I'm offended or there happens to be an inordinate amount of terrible drivers on the road that day, I'll scream "suck my dick!" or more eloquently "suck my metaphorical dick!" at the passing drivers while spilling coffee on my lap and probably blowing out a vocal cord. Such are my daily mornings.

I'm not so much advocating for the complete ban of this phrase as I am challenging you all to think of where it comes from and what its implications are. I've managed to eradicate most slurs from my vocabulary but I don't think I'm helping oppress any group by telling them to perform oral copulation on me? The phrase is problematic and gross as hell, but I don't think it's perpetuating negative stereotypes of any marginalized group.

Still, I think we should always meditate on aspects of popular culture, media, and cultural norms and really think about how they could be perpetuating rape, sexism, or unbalanced power dynamics. Thus said, let an almost-graduated English major take you on the journey of critical thinking and over-interpreting that her next 50 years of student loan debt has taught her.

Here are my issues with the phrase "suck my dick" or more known in the texting world of teens in the mid 2000s as "smd":

1. IT'S NOT CONSENSUAL. 

What part of screaming "suck my dick" at someone like an unhinged lunatic promotes consent? Granted people usually don't literally want someone else to go down on them, but the phrase still promotes/is reminiscent of an interaction that is in no way consensual. It's not a question, it's a demand. It's usually said in anger or as a way to rebound from a particularly offensive burn from one of your bros - both of which are situations that rarely lead to a healthy, consensual, mutually enthusiastic sexual encounter.

Our society already has such an issue of creating a culture of consent, why let things that promote rape continue at all?  Whenever I go to present to classes and clubs about consent, the main concern of guys is that ASKING THE QUESTION WILL KILL THE MOOD. Instead I feel like guys are more likely to vocalize their desire to have sex, and offer their partner an opportunity to chime in with a yay or nay, by stating "let's have sex". Not a question, but a demand/order said in a slightly polite way. Okay yay for you for being vocal and at least saying something instead of attempting to mind read like an asshole. But still, a QUESTION is so. much. better. than a unopened statement.

So I promote "would you like to suck my dick?" over "suck my dick" because let's include consent even in our insults, people.

2. It promotes a power imbalance and position of subordination on one person's place. 

If you've ever watched porn simply for research purposes on power dynamics between heterosexual couples, fetishization of races/sexualities, and rape culture, (am I the only one that does this?), then you'll see that usually heterosexual dick sucking presented in porn is highly aggressive, slightly abusive, and promotes the subordination of the woman.

I'll ask you to picture a scene in your head (if my little brother is reading this, then you can stop here buddy). One person is usually in a position of weakness, lower status, and degradation. Like physically. Unless the man's dick is on their head, these two parties are not equal. Also, a lot of porn has this creepy use of oral copulation on males as a form of punishment for women? It's used to put "dirty sluts" in their place and even to turn lesbians straight. Whatever the homophobic, sexist plot of the porno might be, 99.9% of the time it promotes the idea of women in a place of subordination and really, non consensual subordination.

So unless we turn the phrase "suck my dick" into "hey, wanna go down on me? and then would you want me to go down on you? are we both enthusiastically down for this equal sexual encounter?" then I think we should just avoid it all together.

3. I don't understand everyone's weird fascination with using genitalia as insults. 

I'm all about talking about genitalia. It should not be a taboo subject, we should be openly talking about sex and our bodies. In fact, I'm a proud new owner of a self-gynecology zine so if you see me on campus expect me to drop some random knowledge about how your mucus indicates your level of fertility on you.

Anyways...I don't understand people's fascination with calling each other a "dick" or "pussy" as if our own anatomy was so offensive and demeaning? You wanna call your bro a pussy for not butt chugging another shot? A pussy birthed your hideous fat face which takes a lot more strength than you sticking to your rigid ideas of hypermasculinity, so sit down and think about that for a minute.

I also think it can be harmful to focus so much on genitalia as an indicator of gender and power. You say "suck my dick" and you're promoting the idea of a male exerting power over another. That's problematic for the trans community because not all men have dicks, not all people that have dicks are men, AND trans individuals often have some body dysmorphia. They might be uncomfortable with parts of their body that don't align with their gender or they may not acknowledge those parts of their body anymore. The image of a penis should not be associated with men or power.

All in all the phrase is pretty harmless. But I'm still an advocate of constantly critically thinking about your environment and the subtle ways in which systemic oppression manifests itself within our culture. So next time you tell your bro to suck your dick as a defense mechanism for your wounded ego ask yourself, "Do I really want them to suck my dick? If I did, shouldn't I ask for consent? If not, what am I implying? Does that implication suggest I have power in that situation? What consequences does that have for my mindset towards women, sex, and gender?" Don't just blurt shit out because you're too dull minded and unoriginal to come up with any unique and halfway intelligent comebacks. Think about the things you say because they matter.

Don't Be A Jackass, Check Your White Privilege

With everything going on in Ferguson and New York, everyone and their mother's dog groomer's uncle have hopped on social media to voice their opinion. And I am 100% down for that; express yo self. I'm even willing and glad to read opinions that are vastly different than mine. Even though they are infuriating and make me want to move to Mars, I am able to be made aware of opposing view points because of social media.

But I would regret it to my death bed if I didn't use social media and my voice to stand up for what I believe in and attempt to educate others who might not have had the same privilege of an education as me. 

Oooo "privilege", what a word. But what does it mean, Bailey? I shall explain, because as far as I've seen, too many people that I know are completely unaware and ignorant of their privilege and this leads them to voice uneducated opinions and have harmful, oppressive beliefs and I am starting to bald from the stress of knowing these people exist get me a Xanax now. 

So I will attempt to explain white privilege in the most basic, accessible way that I can.

Privilege: a set of advantages, or lack of disadvantages, that a group enjoys usually without realizing or being aware that they have them.

Here are some examples (note: there's like 87 zillion more) if you are so unaware that you don't bother to analyze and critique the way you get to live in society simply for the group/class you were born into:

Male privilege: Do you feel relatively safe walking alone at night regardless of what you're wearing or how intoxicated you are? If yes, congrats you've got male privilege!
Cis gender privilege: Has anyone ever used the wrong gender pronouns on accident or on purpose as an attempt to hurtfully misgender you? If no, congrats you've got cis gender privilege!
Heterosexual privilege: Can you openly display PDA with your partner in public and not worry about your safety or being harassed or being told you're going to hell? If yes, congrats, you've got heterosexual privilege!
Wealth/class privilege: Did you grow up automatically assuming, and being told by your parents, that you would go to college? If yes, congrats, you've got class privilege!
Able-body privilege: Can you perform daily tasks on your own with ease and little pain? If yes, congrats, you've got able-body privilege!
Neurotypical/allistic privilege: Can you have a sad/off day and not worry about people telling you that it's all in your head and you should just *snap out of it*. If yes, congrats, you've got neurotypical privilege!

AND NOW, we shall address white privilege so my fellow pasty friends can stop being absolutely blind to the safety and opportunities that they enjoy simply because of their pallid mayo skin and the extreme danger, oppression, and disadvantages that people of color suffer from.

There's this hella rad feminist and anti-racism activist Peggy McIntosh that wrote an essay called "White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Backpack". I pulled some of my examples from that. It would behoove you to read it yourself if you still aren't catching my drift here.

Here's my list of privileges that *I've recognized in my own life* due to my race. White males have an additional set of privileges that I as a female cannot comment on.

1. I have never once in my life feared police brutality or unfair treatment by the justice system because of my race. Yeah, when I see a cop I double check my lights, my seat belt, turn my music down, and pray to god that my break lights are working because cops make me nervous on the account that I don't want to get a ticket. BUT I've NEVER feared that I'd get pulled over, stopped, or harassed because I "looked suspicious" and I'd never fear that any punishment I received would be extreme or unfair because of someone else's prejudice.

2. I've never been told that I am "pretty for a white girl". I don't have to worry that my race makes me less beautiful or doesn't meet Euro-centric standards. I can wear my hair naturally and not have anyone call me "ghetto" because of it. I get to see a plethora of gorgeous white women in the media and be validated that I am beautiful because I have something in common with those women - my race. If I was a total asshole, I could also appropriate parts of black female beauty culture and I'd be considered ~* quirky and fun *~ instead of trashy or hood.

3. I've never been told that I speak "like a white person" or that I'm articulate for my race. I don't have to worry that my dialect of English will be considered less intelligent or identify me as a criminal. I also don't have to worry that my children will be made fun of and corrected in school because of their dialect. Also, I'll have all my alfredo sauce lookin' friends know that AAVE is NOT standard English with mistakes. It is not any less valid or understandable than what you call (and really should stop) "standard English". I took a linguistics class this quarter, get at me.

4. I've never felt uncomfortable in an airport because of my race. I've never been singled out in security checks. I've never had people move seats away from me on a plane. I don't have to worry that if one white person commits an act of violence that others will label my entire race as terrorists.

5. I've never seen people of other races throwing parties with themes that belittle my special cultural traditions or holidays. No one has every reduced a cultural event that is important to me without knowing any of its importance, meaning, or symbolism, down to fake mustaches, face paint, and pinatas.

6. When I got into college and got a job, I never doubted why I was accepted. I assumed it was because I was qualified and not because of my race. I also never have other people telling me that I got a job because of my race. Also, as a college student, I've never had anyone ask me what sport I play because they assume I didn't get accepted based on academic merit alone.

7. When I learn about the history of my race and my country, it is focused on people of my race. I can devote 4 years (and a quarter...) of my life and ungodly amounts of money to major in English which will REQUIRE classes that focus on authors of my race and include authors of colors as small optional elective classes. I see the faces of the crotchety Founding Fathers and their creepy powdered wigs EVERYWHERE and am assured that this country was founded on white supremacy and people of color essentially accomplished nothing because they're not in the history books, right?

Alright so what now my Wonder Bread looking friends? Are we supposed to just wallow in our white guilt and feel sorry for ourselves because geez I have it so easy wahhhh I feel so bad for people of color. First, cut that shit out. White guilt is not going to do anyone any good and honestly, it's just you inserting yourself into the struggles of people of color. Get out of there, that is not your space. Second, start by just acknowledging these privileges that you have. Notice them, mention them to your other 2% milk looking friends to teach them, and then quit crying and start standing in solidarity with people of color. LISTEN to them when they say something. Do not invalidate what a person of color says because you don't understand; YOU ARE NOT LIVING THEIR LIFE EXPERIENCE. What they say goes. If you truly want to help dismantle white supremacy and systemic racism, do what they say will help.

Let's Talk About Kim's Butt Some More

It seems like whenever female celebrities take nude photos, privately or publicly, the world simply loses their minds and gets their cotton knickers all in a bunch. Female nudes are fabulous and feminist. However, I believe Kim Kardashian's recent nude photo shoot is about a little bit more than nudity and there are some aspects of the photos and the discussions around them that I don't agree with. So for my official contribution to the great Kim K debate, I offer what I think her nude photo shoot IS and IS NOT about.

1. It's NOT about motherhood

This has got to be the most ignorant argument that I've seen against Kim and her photos. People are freaking out because she's a mother and being a mother apparently means you automatically get stripped of all sexuality and never get to be viewed in a sexual way ever again. Yo, like how do you think she became a mother? This wild virgin-mother complex that we enforce on women is absurd. Mothers are supposed to be viewed as virginly. THAT IS NOT BIOLOGICALLY POSSIBLE YOU TWATS.

And for the people that argue this is going to be detrimental and a bad influence on North West, she is going to grow up and after the horrific experience of 6th grade sex ed, she will know that her mother in fact DOES have a vagina and HAS had intercourse and IS a sexual individual. SHOCKER. Wow maybe this child will grow up and not be weirdly taboo and shy about sex, maybe she will be confident with her sexuality and not shame other girls for doing the same.

This woman is celebrating her body which looks bitchin after having a child. Get over it.

2. It's NOT about money

There's a lot of Twitter shade being thrown that is defending Kim because she got paid to do this nude photo shoot...but in doing so, these Twitter-shade-throwers are also shaming other women that don't get paid for nudes. They are shaming women that send nudes to significant others, that take them for themselves, that have them on their personal phone for any personal reason and get personally violated when they're hacked...

On the flip side, there are people shaming Kim for "selling her body" and for the love of all that is holy, are we really equating nude photo shoots to slavery or serfdom? Kim has total autonomy over her body and this is what she chooses to do with it. It probably is empowering for her. No one gives a rat's ass if it's not empowering for you, as well.

No one SELLS their body. Not prostitutes. Not strippers. No one. Women sell their time, their abilities, their experience, their aesthetic. But there is never a moment that a women is selling her body...unless it's like black market organ stuff?

3. IS about body policing

Everyone needs to get over the seemingly ~*~radddical~*~ idea that women should have complete right over their own body. I'm not advocating for our rights to go streaking in children's parks in broad day light, but I will have my right to take nudes without my integrity or character questioned.

Society sexualizes every aspect of women in songs, advertising, movies, etc. but the second a woman does it to herself all bigoted-narrow-minded-shit hits the fan. A woman showing skin on her own or for herself is not the automatic green light to start judging her character or talent. Repeat after me: "Skin =/= character". And if you don't believe that then god have mercy on your soul because your are directly trying to police the way women expose or cover their bodies and directly stating that a woman's worth is always tied to her body and there is a special hell in the 9th circle of Dante's Inferno for you, my friend.

Let a lady be naked. It's just skin. It's just a booty. Stop trying to control what women do with their bodies because it makes your conservative pathetic little mind uncomfortable.

4. IS about race

So yes, one of Kim's photos was recycled from a photo in a book titled "Jungle Fever" and reeks of a history of turning black women into sexual objects, which is all very problematic and makes everyone uncomfortable.

But check it out, we have 2 Live Crew and Sir Mix-a-Lot rapping about large butts on black women in the very early 90s. The social acceptance and sexual praise for large butts came straight from rap culture and was all in reference to black women. So Kim is perpetuating the fetishization of black women and reducing black women to body parts (specifically the booty) much like rappers do. Also, one could argue that it's slight cultural appropriation because Kim is Armenian American with no black heritage.

So cool, a not-black-woman does a border-line racist photo shoot that highlights her majestic ass. Fine. But what happens when ACTUAL black women do this? Remember Nicki Minaj's Anaconda single cover? Nicki, who is Afro-Trinidadian, who is choosing to have control over how her body and booty is viewed, got shamed and called trashy.  Whereas, when Kim poses with quirky faces so it's all fun and cute rather than shamed for being "trashy". So yeah, this is about race.

So next time you see some consenting nudes in the web-o-sphere, if it's not racist, fucking praise that ish! Nothing else. Just say "Glory hallelujah here's another confident woman who is comfortable in her body and with her sexuality and even if I'm not super comfortable in le nude, I respect her for doing her, in Jesus name, amen!"

WhOo0oAaaHh It's The Wild World of Online Social Activism

The internet is a wild place that can literally consume all your time, your life, and the quality of your vision, not that I know from personal experience or anything....But the internet is also a place where niche or oppressed communities can come together to find support, share ideas, and express themselves. ALSO the internet is a super rad place where language is constantly changing, being created, and being re-appropriated.

A lot of people may be against identities and labels thinking that they are exclusionary or get too specific. However, we must ALWAYS give people the right to self-identify however they choose. This means that we must ALWAYS allow new identities and labels to be created by and for certain groups. If you are not a part of that group or identity, then you have no say as to whether their identity is legitimate or not.

So, as an internet junkie and flaming feminist with liberal and sapphic tendencies, I am married to the game of online social activism. Here are a few terms I've learned during my late night internet binges. This might not be the best place to start if you are a newly self identified feminist or social activist, but for those that are well versed or just want to learn more about underrepresented groups, I'd suggest exploring some of these terms further!

General Terms

TERF: Trans-Exclusionary Radical Feminist
SWERF: Sex Worker-Exclusionary Radical Feminist
MRA: Men's Rights Activist
SJW: Social Justice Warrior
MSWF: Mainstream White Feminist
Weaponized femininity: a form of feminism that turns misandry into an elaborate joke, especially online. The aesthetic is stereotypically feminine, i.e. glitter, hearts, pink, etc., but expresses a love for misandry and male tears.

Diarchy: refers to a society that operates on a system of a gender dichotomy that is based on mutuality.
Kyriarchy: moving away from just the patriarchy, this term refers to a system that keeps all intersecting oppressions in place, not just sexism. Coined by Elisabeth Schussler Fiorenze.
Mansplaining: when a man assumes he knows more on any given topic than a woman and proceeds to over explain it to her in extremely simplified terms.

Cis-splaining: refers to a cisgender individual over simplifying and talking down to individuals not within the gender binary. Often talks over trans individuals and derails conversations about the trans community to focus on cis privilege.
Whorephobia: a term often used to describe anti-porn and anti-sex worker feminists. These radical feminists are often against the female porn stars or sex workers because they consider them "whores" and not the actual industries themselves.

Sizeism: a form of oppression that discriminates against fat (which is a term now being re-appropriated by the community) individuals by viewing them as lazy, unhealthy, unattractive, fetishized, etc.
PUA: Pick Up Artist, generally refers to men that use degrading and sexually abusive techniques to "woo" women.
FPUA: Female Pick Up Artist, usually women don't use this label as an identifier for themselves, but these women help teach other women the art of seduction rather than listing things they shouldn't do when trying to attract a man.
negging: undermining a woman's self confidence so that she might be more vulnerable and receptive of a man's sexual advances.

Racism

Afrofuturism: a literary and aesthetic movement that blends Afrocentricity, science fiction, and the history of oppression of individuals of color by addressing concerns of the African Diaspora through a science fiction lens.
AAVE: African American Vernacular English
Misogynoir: a form of misogyny that specifically oppresses women of color, especially African American women. This is done by white males and females as well as, black men.

Ableism

Neurotypical: an individual that does not suffer from/has not been diagnosed or self diagnosed a mental or personality disorder.
Neurodivergent: an individual that does suffer from a mental or personality disorder. The concept of self diagnosing is becoming more accepted and supported in online communities.
Allistics: An individual who is not autistic. Often belittles or discredits individuals who self diagnose themselves with autism or Asperger syndrome.

Sexuality & Gender

Bihet: a bisexual in a heterosexual relationship.
Cishet: a term for a heterosexual cisgender individual.
Sapiosexual: a person who finds intelligence to be the most sexually attractive feature of a person.
Demisexual: a person who does not experience sexual attraction to another person until they have formed a emotional or romantic connection with them.
Cupiosexual: a person who desires a sexual relationship but feels no sexual attraction to anyone.
Skoliosexual: a person who experiences sexual attraction to non-binary identified individuals.
Ace: another way of saying asexual, which is a person who is not sexually attracted to others and/or doesn't desire sexual activity in or outside of a relationship.

Gray-Ace/Grace: someone that doesn't identify as sexual or asexual but somewhere inbetween.
Aro: another way of saying aromantic, which is a person who is not romantically attracted to others.
Allo Ace: a term in the ace/asexual community to describe someone who is non-asexual.
Aro Ace: a combination of aromantic and asexual.
Demi Ace: a combination of demiromantic (experience a romantic attraction after an emotional connection has been formed) and asexual. Also sometimes used as a synonym for demisexual.
Truscum: transmedicalists that follow the medical definition of transsexualism - that it is a medical condition and an individual needs sex dysphoria to be trans.
Tucute/Transtrender: terms used for those who support trans people but often exclude transmen, truscum, or trans individuals with mental disorders.

Crossdreamer: individuals that dream about being the other sex and it is often part of their sexual fantasies.
Girlfag: a female who is attracted to gay, bisexual, and/or transmen and who may feels as though they are a gay male within a female body.
Guydyke: a man, generally cisgender and heterosexual, who is attracted to or wants to have relationships with lesbians. The term is used to describe a man who fetishes lesbians.
Autogynephilia: describes a sexuality in which a person is sexual aroused by the idea of themselves being the opposite sex. Distinguished from transgender or transsexual.

Remember that these are legitimate terms that online groups have created for themselves and the oppression they face. Just because you might not understand them or think they don't exist, does not mean that they aren't very real for certain people. Expand your vocab, be accepting of underrepresented groups, let people explore and create their own identities, sell your soul and your 20/20 vision to the interweb for the sake of knowledge!!!