Have a Cultural-Appropriation-Free Coachella!

So I thought that after all the hub bub and social media around white people appropriating indigenous headdresses last year at Coachella that we would be passed this. But it looks like white people still don't fully understand what cultural appropriation is and the negative effects it has, as seen by this year's trend of white girls wearing bindis.

But is this really cultural appropriation? What even is and isn't cultural appropriation? Isn't America a melting pot of cultures? If we say wearing indigenous headdresses is cultural appropriation then can I not drink green tea anymore? Can I not get Thai takeout? Where do we draw the line? These are all questions I've asked myself because cultural appropriation is difficult to understand, especially as a person of the dominant cultural, or simply, not of the culture that is being appropriated, or even, someone of the culture being appropriated who doesn't know the significance of something in their culture or has been socialized to internalize racism.

So I'm going to explain cultural appropriation in terms of the power dynamics that are present between various cultures. I believe that an unbalanced power dynamic, a history of (and continuation of) oppression, and a lack of consent are the key factors of cultural appropriation. So let me break it down for you.

1. What is cultural appropriation? 

Kick ass little Rue from Hunger Games gives a great explanation of cultural appropriation of black culture, so check out that link. But essentially, cultural appropriation occurs when a style/part of a culture leads to racist stereotypes yet when the dominant/more privileged culture takes it, without consent, and usually for profit, it is deemed high culture/fashionable without them having any awareness of its significance to culture from which it came, especially when there is a history of oppression by the dominant culture of that original culture.

So the main components of cultural appropriation are:

• The thing leads to racist/negative stereotypes of the original culture.
• But the thing is high fashion when the dominant culture takes it.
• The thing is taken without consent.
• The thing is generally taken to make money off of. 
• The dominant culture isn't aware of the thing's significance, importance, reverence, etc. to the original culture.  
• The dominant culture has a history of oppressing, stealing from, and committing ethnocide against the original culture. 

So no, me drinking green tea is not cultural appropriation because green tea has never been used to oppress API communities. It has not been used to create negative and racist stereotypes against API communities. The origins of green tea in America goes back to trade between China and America, not forceful taking without consent. And although there are negative stereotypes against Asian cultures and the US has a history of oppressing the API community, none of this revolves around green tea. 

But yes, me wearing corn rows is cultural appropriation because this hairstyle is used to create negative stereotypes against black women and men. It is still deemed as a "unprofessional" hairstyle by some which leads to an economic oppression of the black community. Corn rows are also significant to the black culture in that it protects their natural hair. If I were to choose to wear cornrows, I would be taking part of black culture I considered quirky and fashionable while that community is still being oppressed and stereotyped for that same hairstyle. 

So think about the history of something and the relationship between two cultures before you decide to take it for your own. 

2. How can a culture be appropriated? 

Any part of a culture can be appropriated if it possess the characteristics I've just mentioned. That includes clothes/hairstyles, vernacular, food, music, rituals/celebrations, etc. Cultural appropriation doesn't just occur at Coachella by rich white girls. I see you, white boys, I see what you do.

Particularly problematic is white teen's (or anyone's, really) appropriation of AAVE (African American Vernacular English). AAVE has a huge significance in the black community in that it originated out of the African diaspora and has been historically considered a "less intelligent" or "less professional" dialect of English. The black community was and continues to be stereotyped for their vernacular and it is used as an excuse to further oppress this community.

For white teens to think it's trendy and comedic to appropriate words such as "slay", "yaaas", and "werk" which were created by the black community is a gross example of cultural appropriation and white privilege. These words gain traction via social media and become part of "teen" culture when they really originated from the black community who is still being negatively stereotyped for this vernacular.

3. Who can appropriate a culture? 

Listen here kids, only the dominant culture in a society can appropriate something from another culture, which must be a subculture with a history/current condition of being oppressed by that dominant culture.

For a marginalized group to "appropriate" something from the dominant culture would be considered assimilation. That dominant culture in America is that of patriarchy, capitalism, white supremacy, and Christianity. Those belonging to this culture have the most rights, experience the least (basically none) discrimination/oppression, and are idealized by the media and consumerism. So for a subculture to take parts of that culture would not be stealing anything from it without consent. And it surely wouldn't be based on a history of oppression. Assimilation is done to appear more part of the dominant culture for reasons of economic stability, physical safety, emotional health, etc.

So in the US, ONLY WHITE PEOPLE CAN APPROPRIATE CULTURE FROM MARGINALIZED GROUPS. Not vice versa. Never. It doesn't happen. It literally is not physically possible to happen.

4. What is the difference between cultural appropriation and cultural exchange/appreciation? 

First off, exchange is consensual. It is a mutual giving and receiving. For my green tea example, it would go something like this:

United States: "Hey if we give you some silver, can we have some of your tea?"
China: "For sure bros, thanks for the silver, here's your tea."

Second, appreciation is done with the awareness of significance and reverence for symbolism. Another example would go something like this:

White Person: "Damn, I just really admire and respect Buddhism. I truly believe in it's teachings and traditions. With utmost reverence I practice meditation, yoga, and taking refuge. So I think I'm going to get a tapestry of Buddha to remind me of Buddhism's core values and ethics that I practice in my daily life."

Like I said, appropriation is done WITHOUT consent so it does not involve an exchange of cultural things. It is also done without awareness of, or with complete disregard to, something's significance so it does not involve appreciation.

You are not appreciating or paying homage to Indigenous culture by wearing warpaint for one night to a music festival to seem artsy or "bohemian". You are completely ignoring and trivializing its cultural significance and spiritualism. You are participating in the stereotyping of a culture. You are contributing to the United State's history of committing ethnocide against Indigenous culture. You are also aiding the same capitalistic system that was used in justification for stealing from Indigenous cultures.

*So remember, contemplate before you appropriate*

Appropriation of Pain: White Guilt & LGBTQ Allies

So I have a hobby of hanging out in graveyards. I think they're beautiful and a poignant connection to the past. I also fully recognize the part of myself that finds it cathartic to borrow other people's pain for a little bit and then continue on my merry way. I think we can all relate to that concept to some degree. Ever slowed your driving to peep a roadside accident? Or been fascinated with a news story simply because it's a little graphic or morbid? Or at the age of 10 only read the obituary section of the newspaper? Just me? Okay then...

Point is, I think we can all imagine a time when we've found ourselves drawn to tragedy that has nothing to do with ourselves. Why is that? Because viewing someone else's pain from a distance, being removed from it, allows us to experience a catharsis of sadness and also allows us to feel grateful that the tragedy didn't happen to us. 

So per usual, I started to think about how this applies to social justice and marginalized groups. And wouldn't you know, it turns out the borrowing other people's lives and cultures, especially their pain associated with the oppression and criminalization of their lives and cultures, IS NOT A NICE THING.  

Appropriation is a really wide topic, so I wanted to just focus on appropriation of pain. So that means specifically trying to insert yourself into a marginalized group in an attempt to feel their pain or make yourself some sort of martyr for that group.

And who else is a more perfect candidate for this social justice no-no than straight allies? Let's talk about what is so morbidly wrong, and actually harmful to the LGBTQ community, about straight allies.

1. Straight people already have enough social space of their own. So straight allies, GTFO of ours!!!

LGBTQ spaces are created for many reasons, but some of those include providing physical and emotional safety for our community. Any spaces - physical, social, written, etc.- that revolve around the LGBTQ community are created because we need bonds, support, validation, and visibility. STRAIGHT PEOPLE DO NOT NEED THIS. You get validation for your sexuality every day since the day you're born, you have visibility in literally everything, and you don't really need support for a sexuality that is the social "norm".

The full acronym (that I'm aware of and is by no means official as identities are always being renamed, reclaimed, and realized) is LGBTTQQIAPP and I'd argue +D for demi. And what does that A stand for? Asexual. Is there another A for allies? Hell fucking no. By including yourself in the LGBTQ acronym or community, you are basically stating that you feel entitled to a safe space when you're already safe. Under the guise of social justice and empathy you are taking resources and space from those who truly need it. Be an ally but do social justice work in your own lane not ours.

2. Straight people literally directly experience 0% of the pain and struggle of coming out or self-identifying as queer. 

There have been too many damn times when I've experienced straight allies showing up to LGBTQ events and getting on a soap box dramatic monologue about their struggle of supporting their gay friend or lesbian sister. I've seen straight people literally cry at public events when telling the story of finding out their brother was gay or that one time they said "I accept you" to their queer bff. What the literal fuck is wrong with you?

Coming out to yourself, friends, family, anyone is an extremely hard process that often leads to people being kicked out of their homes, harassed at work, or physically/sexually abused. Straight people experience NONE of this. I don't care if it was hard on your family to find out your brother was gay, you're not gay, you're not living it, you're not the one that could potentially be harassed or hurt. Straight people that come into LGBTQ spaces and then take up time and resources with their faux martyrdom are absolute trash. Don't try to pretend you understand any of the pain LGBTQ individuals go through, you will literally never know. So stop speaking over our pain.

Another group that comes to mind when thinking about the appropriation of pain is those who so self-righteously inflict white guilt upon themselves.

1. White guilt distracts the conversation from being about the real issues of racism.

If you use spaces dedicated to discussing issues of racism to voice your deep emotional pain and guilt over your ancestors being hugely racist, bigoted assholes, then you yourself are an asshole. Living with a history of your people being enslaved, unjustly murdered, and systemically oppressed is uncountably more times distressing than knowing your dear great great grandad Elmer Mayo-Smith was a racist bag of dicks.

By feeling white guilt, or believing it is even really a thing, you are 1. stating that racism is a thing of the past that only your ancestors took part in when FALSE racism is very much fucking alive today and 2. that your pity party is more important than the real mistreatment and oppression of people of color. Literally, you are insanely privileged if you are white, so stop trying to make the conversation about you. Issues of racism apply to people of color and how they experience the world. Give people of color the space and strength to voice these experiences, frustrations, thoughts, etc. since they are the one's who are oppressed daily. Use your privilege to aid people of color in these efforts NOT use your privilege to paint yourself as the victim when you are the farthest thing from one in terms of racism.

2. White guilt is racist in that it attempts to trump white pain/guilt over the real, historical oppression/victimization/criminalization of black people.

If you think your pathetic white pain is more worthy of being voiced that real systemic oppression, physical violence, and negative stereotyping of people of color than you my friend ARE RACIST.

You are taking vocal space away from people of color by voicing your misplaced white guilt. You are physically taking up space, that you have already been privileged with your entire life, that could be used by people of color to voice their real-life experiences, a space that they have been historically denied and pushed out of.

You are inserting yourself into a space that people of color have fought long and hard to have and create for themselves. You are appropriating their pain, stealing their voice, and derailing the conversation of racism to be about you because you think you are more important. You're about as racist as your old grandad Mayo-man.

Okay so this all sounds like a huge bummer, right? Awww but Bailey...I'm just trying to help...how am I supposed to be a good ally and advocate for the LGBTQ and POC communities? The answer is simple, my friends. You sit down and shut up. You do not get a gold ribbon and a pulpit for a personal dramatic monologue for being an empathetic, decent human being. You do not need to constantly voice your "support" for marginalized groups. We have our own voice and we need a space to let it be heard. We can't do that if you're constantly blabbing about what a great ally your are and how it personally takes a toll on you to support your gay friend or think about your racist grandpa Mayo. So just settle down and share the space.

Advice for Dating Someone with Depression

So I was originally going to title this post "Tips for Dating Someone with Depression" but I thought that made those who suffer from depression sound a bit like household pets or a DIY craft project. Like, "follow these 10 simple steps to maintaining your own mentally ill individual!"..............ehhh not quite the vibe I'm going for.

I'm in first relationship since I've been in college and I've learned a lot about myself through the ways my girlfriend reacts to and navigates my depression. These tips can really be applied to anyone in your life who suffers from depression just as a better way to care for and support them. Note: these tips are not on how to "deal with" or "put up with" someone's depression. If you think caring for someone's mental health is a chore or something beyond the bare minimum that you put into a relationship, then you really shouldn't be dating that person. Or anyone, ya douchebag.

Mental illness doesn't automatically make someone a burden to others. As a supporter, you shouldn't view mental illness as some pesky annoyance in your life; you're not the one living in it. Depression is hard to manage on your own but sometimes it can also be difficult managing with a significant other too. I've learned a lot through my relationship in terms of explaining my depression, helping my girlfriend understand it, and letting her help me manage it. I can imagine that dating someone with depression might be disheartening at times when you can't be the solution, but I want to share some things to help supporters and significant others put less pressure on themselves and better understand depression.

1. Don't take it personally that your love doesn't "get rid" of their depression

I'm not even sure why I started with this point because if this piece of advice shocking to you then you're a narcissistic piece of shit. Nevertheless, I think it is important for some people to remember. Whether you like to play savior in your relationships, which is incredibly unhealthy btw, or you simply really care for someone, you need to realize that you alone CANNOT FIX A MENTAL ILLNESS. It is nothing against you. There isn't anything wrong with your personality or the way you love a person, it just will not completely "get rid" of someone's depression. So don't expect it to.

And for christ's sake, don't throw yourself a pity party like boo hoo but I brought you cookies why aren't you happy and dtf now???? wahhhh. Don't guilt your friend or partner for still having a mental illness even when you do nice things for them. This isn't about you, dammit. I shouldn't have to deal with my depression and make you feel like a special snowflake for being a good friend too. I'm not going to try to remain mentally stable and constantly hand you awards for treating me like a human being. My depression will probably always be with me to some degree. I'm extremely grateful for my friends and girlfriend who recognize that and do special things to help get me out of bed and not self harm. But they all know that they are not some magical Jesus Christ of mental illnesses here to cure the world.

2. Ask ask ask, but don't pressure

If you don't understand something about your friend/significant other's depression, just ask them. Be constantly willing to learn how depression manifests itself and how to respond to it. However, there's also a good chance that that person won't have an answer to give you. A lot of times people want to ask "Why are you sad?" and "What will cheer you up?" like if I knew the answers to those things I wouldn't have stayed in bed without showering and only eating hot cheetos for an entire week, now would I?

Depression is tricky because it isn't a bad mood, a test stressing you out, or a bad hair day. I can't pinpoint exact things that trigger a depressive episode. I may be able to tell you certain times of the year that I have more episodes and I may be able to quote my therapist's advice to you, but I can't tell you the straight up do's and don'ts for handling my depression. That's the whole point of depression; it doesn't always have a reason. There's no definite cause. So ease up.

Be willing to learn. Ask questions about what works and what doesn't. But don't expect someone with depression to give you all the answers. Don't interrogate them like they possess all the magical tricks of the trade to cheer themselves up and they're just hiding them from you. Wtf is wrong with you?

3. Come up with a warning signal/word

Sometimes it can be really hard to admit that you need help or support or a pint of Ben & Jerry's. On a more serious note, sometimes it can also be really hard to admit that you are not in a healthy, stable place. It can be embarrassing to reach out and have to admit that you're afraid of being alone because you don't know what you could do to yourself.

But but but I'm such a good friend, I would just tell them to call me whenever they feel sad, even if it's 3am, even if it's 50 years later and I'm retired on a Carnival cruise...Naw son, that don't mean jack diddly to someone with a mental illness. Sure, it's a nice gesture to say that. But individuals with a mental illness are constantly belittled and made to feel like they are just making it up. So even if you don't require an explanation, an individual with a mental illness will feel the need to give one. Just to justify themselves, their emotions, and their need for help.

So, just to relieve some of that pressure, make a code word that a person can just text or say or tap out in morse code to let you know that things are serious and they need some sort of support/presence immediately. It's simple, quick, and a lot less intimidating than having to craft a sentence like "dear god help me I'm in a major depressive episode" in a more socially acceptable way.

4. Help them with their self care 

Individuals with certain mental illnesses are drawn to self-harming or self-sabotaging behaviors. The whole thing about depression is that I don't really value myself soooo of course I'm not going to eat healthy or have a normal sleep schedule or go to class??? I try my hardest but some days it's like having intense senioritis in every aspect of your life.

So as a friend or supporter, you have a super awesome opportunity to give your friend/partner a little nudge in the right direction that is greatly appreciated. Try getting your friend out of the house for a little bit, cook them a healthy meal, invite them to go on a walk with you. Simple little things like these can have a huge impact. Because for someone with depression these little things are like the biggest, most daunting, horrific, painful tasks ever. My roommate makes sure I'm awake in the mornings and I'll be damned if that woman doesn't get everything in my will one day. My girlfriend makes me eat vegetables sometimes, so I guess they can go halfsies on the will.

Point is, just encourage your friend to do a few healthy things. Even though they might seem like simple, common sense tasks to you, it means a lot to a person with depression to have someone help them and encourage them to take care of themselves.

5. Don't be an enabler to any destructive habits they're trying to kick

One of the hardest things for me to do was stop drinking in college. Mainly because the people I called friends thought it was a ridiculous idea and apparently weren't fond of binge drinking every night of the weekend on their own. Now that I've surrounded myself with decent human beings that have at least a single shred of human empathy, it's become a lot easier for me to stop drinking which has definitely helped with my depression a crap ton.

I enjoy being friends with people that actually call me out on my shit. In a loving manner of course. The people that enabled me to be an alcoholic disaster that it was a cute quirky aspect of my personality and thoroughly enjoyed not having to be alone in their endeavours to single-handedly destroy their own livers. My friends now push me to constantly better myself which includes kicking some gnarly habits that I picked up as ways to self-medicate my depression. I've made a lot of progress because of my own work but also, because my friends and girlfriend are rad as fuck and don't enable me to continue destroying myself. So when in doubt, tell your mentally ill friends and lovers that no, they can't have another shot of Taaka or heroin and that yes, they can live a sober and less self-harmful life because you're there to support them.

Depression blows and life with it sucks, but it's made infinitely better by the people in my life that genuinely want to support me and see me do my best, not those who are only in the friendship/relationship to benefit themselves. I think we should all try to be that supportive person in our friends and significant others' lives. In being true to my depressive nature, I'll end with saying that life sucks and then you die but I still wish we could all bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy. Or something along those lines. 

Male Privilege & Public Space

There's a lot of talk in the world of social activism about "space". It's not like all social advocates have a grand master plan to launch themselves into space and create an Interstellar-esque human race completely rid of systemic oppression and institutionalized power imbalances. Though I'm not opposed to such a plan...

But before I resurrect NASA, I'd like to explain what "space" in terms of social advocacy means, why it is so important, and what you can do to use your privilege to create space for marginalized groups.

Space can be physical. It can come in the form of meetings, gatherings, parades, group discussions. Space can be visual. It can be created in movies, TV shows, advertisements, commercials. Space can also be vocal and auditory in the form of radio, speeches, books, pamphlets.

So, think about a privileged group, white men, for example. They occupy a majority of spaces. They are always depicted in the media, they make up a majority of the government, as an English major I can tell you that 99.7% of the historical works I read are by white males. So why is this so detrimental? When a group of privilege takes up a majority of a society's space, it leaves little room for marginalized groups. Without LGBTQ friendly clubs, those youth grow up feeling isolated and sometimes internalize homophobia. Without positive representation of black women in the media, little black girls grow up thinking they are less beautiful than white women. Without multi-accessible websites and chat rooms, individuals with disabilities cannot expand their knowledge about their disability and find support through others with the same disability.

These are just a few examples of the detriments that a homogeneous space, occupied by a privileged group, can harm, isolate, and suppress marginalized groups.

I want to focus on one example that I see EVERY SINGLE DAY of my life. That is men using unchecked male privilege to occupy public space to the point of crossing boundaries, instilling fear, and demonstrating a core ideology of sexism.

I'm pretty sure every girl I've ever met has experienced a random guy coming up behind them at a party and just start grinding their nasty crotch up against them with no notice. Every girl has probably been walking down the street and been whistled or hollered at. And every girl has most likely experienced the fear of making eye contact with a guy for more than 1/2 a second for fear that they will take it as an invitation to fuck, make a bee-line to them, and commence their hideous mating ritual of cocky self-entitlement.

Since I encounter examples like these every single day, I think it's safe to assume that there still exists a male population that is completely oblivious of their privilege and have no fucking clue that their physical and vocal presence is not solicited, not wanted, not consensual, and instills fear and discomfort in many women. So let's talk about why this abuse of male privilege is bad and what men can do to knock that shit off.

1. IT'S NOT FUCKING CONSENSUAL 

What is it about a half a second of eye contact that you read as "yes, please approach me and begin to spit game in the cockiest way because we both already know that I'm completely willing to go home with you"? Men, mistaking the slightest bit of contact or politeness from women as consent is the most annoying and disgusting thing that you can do. If I make eye contact with you, this is not a sign to approach me. If I smile at you out of politeness, this is not a sign to approach me. Even if I continue a conversation with you for more than 30 seconds, THIS IS NOT AN INVITATION TO GET ANY CLOSER TO ME. Your male privilege allows you to feel entitled to the space around you, including the space within inches of my face. But this space is not fucking yours and you do not have all women's consent to insert yourself into their space at any time that feels convenient to you.

But Bailey, what are you saying? I'm not allowed to go up to a pretty girl at a bar and make polite conversation? Naw, just make sure that she's comfortable with it. Maybe instead of reading half a second of eye contact as the green light, wait until she noticeably makes eye contact with you or doesn't break eye contact or does so while smiling and giving other body language signals of receptiveness. For Christ's sake, just stop assuming every woman's personal space and time is worthy of your presence.

2. IT SCARES THE LIVING HELL OUT OF WOMEN

There is nothing scarier than some random man that I've never seen in my entire life telling me to "have a good night" as I'm walking home from the bars at night. That is a sure fire way to make sure I put my keys between my knuckles and practically sprint home ready to sucker punch any other man that tries to approach me.

A lot of men will say that they are just trying to be polite. No. You are making your presence known to that woman. You are displaying a pathetic attempt to get her attention, let her know that you are in her vicinity, and desperately hoping she'll be reckless enough to react to this slimy comment and give you some of her time.

News flash, since a majority of sexual assaults are committed by men, women have become hyper-vigilant of any man in their presence, especially strangers. Male privilege in combination with hyper masculinity and sexism is a potent combination that often leads to violence. Women are well fucking aware of that. You reminding them that you are there, that you are potentially stronger than them, and that you have the disrespectful audacity to insert yourself into their space instills an insane amount of fear that you will never in your entire life ever understand.

Tip - unless a woman looks seriously in danger, don't fucking insert your physical presence into her life. You have zero rights and you don't belong there.

3. IT EXCLUDES OTHER WOMEN WHO NEED THE DAMN SPACE MORE THAN YOU DO

This refers specifically to men inserting themselves into certain realms of the feminist movement. Yes, we need men in the feminist movement. Why? Because our society is so deep rooted in sexism that women aren't taken as seriously and we need men to voice our message in order for it to be heard. So yes, male feminists come one, come all BUT stop inserting your opinion, your words, your ideas into the discussion. The ideology of the feminist movement needs to be made up BY WOMEN seeing as it is FOR WOMEN. And since you have no fucking clue what it's like to live as a woman, your opinion is completely irrelevant, harmful, and takes up space that other women could be occupying to let their experiences be heard.

You want to help fight the big bad patriarchy? Good, then shut up and listen to what women are saying is really wrong. Remove your voice from the vocal and auditory space in order for more women to be heard. The longer you shut up and stop voicing your useless opinions on feminism, the more other women can have the space to be heard. Your job is just to listen and then act in a way that those women say is helpful to the movement.

The topic of space within social activism is a lot broader than just public space and concerns a lot more people than just white men. As a fairly privileged white woman, this is the example that is most prominent in my life. However, I have to be aware of taking up too much space myself. Within the feminist movement, I must always be making space for women of color, women with disabilities, and transwomen and not inserting myself into spaces and conversations that are not directly relevant to my experience as a white queer woman. And I suggest you all try to do the same.

Navigating My Femininity Through My First Gay Relationship

Yooo so the cat's out of the closet, I'm dating a girl. She's super rad and gorgeous and smells a lot better than any guy I've ever met. I'm extremely happy and feel more authentically myself. I've known I was attracted to girls for a long time but I've never actually been in a relationship with one. I definitely don't believe that you have to be in a relationship with or hook up with someone of a different gender to confirm that you're queer, but it can definitely be a very validating experience. It's like damn, I knew I was right with this whole liking girls thing this is fucking awesome.

However, I did go through a slight identity crisis in regards to my femininity, not my sexuality, when I first starting dating this said radical babe. All of a sudden when I started visibly living a queer life and following the gay agenda that they give you upon coming out, I felt more closely tied to the queer community and felt the need to constantly present myself as queer, whatever the hell that actually means.

So I'd like to share some of the things that I initially worried about, things I learned, and different view points I acquired when I began to think about, and constantly barrage my girlfriend with questions about, what my femininity means within a gay relationship.

1. I worried about appearing too feminine 

I wear a decent amount of makeup on a regular basis. I'm a fan of a nice, thick winged eyeliner. Most days I look like modern Elvira minus the cleavage solely because I lack a steady enough hand to master a dainty, subtle winged eye look. I didn't think much about it until I started openly identifying as bi and even more so when I started my first relationship with another girl. I had this idea that my face full of makeup was an glaring indicator that I was straight, or at least a really terrible gay girl.  I worried my girlfriend would be embarrassed to be seen with me because I didn't look gay. I worried she wouldn't be attracted to me because I looked too straight. I had this idea that makeup was equal to traditional femininity which was the opposite of gay. And although I new better than to judge people's sexuality based on their gender expression, I couldn't help but judge myself.

So I had to stop a reassess what my expression of femininity meant to me and how it played into my sexuality. Turns out the two are completely unrelated. WOW IMAGINE THAT! Just because someone chooses to express themselves in a traditionally feminine way doesn't mean they're straight or even that they're a woman. So hell with it! I'll continue to rock all my makeup because I feel comfortable in it and if someone wants to read me as straight then so be it, I have a baller girlfriend at home waiting for me who happens to think I'm attractive as hell with or without makeup.

2. I had to rethink what my role was during sex 

I grew up sneakily reading the sex tips of Cosmo when my mom and I went to the salon. Each time she turned to talk to me I'd slyly flip the page and make it look like I had been staring at an ad for botox for the last 20 minutes. But from those snippets I learned tips on ways to perform during heterosexual sex. And I will tell you what I learned from all of that that is applicable to my life now - fucking nothing. There's no Cosmo articles titled "100 Ways to Drive Your Lesbian Lover Crazy in Bed" and my parents never had to force me to close my eyes during family movie night because two chicks were going at it. Because that literally was never part of a plot of any movie or TV show.

So I basically went into my first gay relationship having zero concept of what to do sexually because there's not really a plethora of media or popular culture for young LGBTQ kids to garner some sense of sex as it applies to their sexuality. So I had to toss the tricks and positions I had learned to please men and really, start paying attention to my partner. How the hell else am I supposed to learn short of reading the Kama Sutra and binge watching The L Word? So my position, literally and metaphorically, as a female during a sexual encounter has changed because there's no longer a man involved. And thank god for that.

3. I've even started to reconsider my ideas of motherhood

Even though I knew I liked girls and I knew I could see myself in a long term relationship with one, somehow pregnancy in a gay relationship didn't cross my mind until now? And I mean this in a very hypothetical, futuristic sense so please, don't worry mom. It wasn't the part about loving a girl or marrying a girl that I thought about, it was the idea of who the hell carries the baby?

I am 1,000% down to have kids. I feel an inexplicable need to raise little feminist children who defy the gender binary and are aware of institutionalized privilege by the age of 3. I consider pregnancy to be a really radical aspect of femininity and womanhood for some people. I personally think carrying a child is a big milestone in my own progress of womanhood. So the hypothetical thought of my female partner doing that instead kind of made me insecure? I wasn't completely positive that if my partner were the only one to be able to carry our child, or even if she was the first to carry a child of ours, that I would feel secure in my womanhood and not feel inadequate.

I'm still working this one out in my mind but I'm definitely sure that when and if the time comes I'll be secure enough because I really shouldn't parent a child if I'm not. So....to be continued on this section. Like 10+ years from now.

So basically, girls are fan-freaking-tanstic. I love being one, I love dating one, I love surrounding myself with them at my job and downtown as a tactic to avoid ever having to talk to, or even acknowledge, self-entitled jackoffs at the bars. The cool thing about having so many strong, empowered women in my life is that I'm constantly contemplating what it means for me to be a woman and what my femininity encompasses. And I've realized those things are a pretty fluid part of me. My womanhood and femininity kind of just adapt and and adjust based on wherever I happen to be in life and that's how gender and gender expression should be, my friends.

Ps. I realize that in this post I use the terms bi, gay, and queer synonymously. That's because I'm comfortable identifying as all of them. As much as I don't want to promote bi erasure, it's simply more natural for me not to use that term 100% of the time. Different strokes for different folks, jah feel?

Petition to Ban the Phrase "Suck My Dick"

I'll be the first to admit that when I'm offended or there happens to be an inordinate amount of terrible drivers on the road that day, I'll scream "suck my dick!" or more eloquently "suck my metaphorical dick!" at the passing drivers while spilling coffee on my lap and probably blowing out a vocal cord. Such are my daily mornings.

I'm not so much advocating for the complete ban of this phrase as I am challenging you all to think of where it comes from and what its implications are. I've managed to eradicate most slurs from my vocabulary but I don't think I'm helping oppress any group by telling them to perform oral copulation on me? The phrase is problematic and gross as hell, but I don't think it's perpetuating negative stereotypes of any marginalized group.

Still, I think we should always meditate on aspects of popular culture, media, and cultural norms and really think about how they could be perpetuating rape, sexism, or unbalanced power dynamics. Thus said, let an almost-graduated English major take you on the journey of critical thinking and over-interpreting that her next 50 years of student loan debt has taught her.

Here are my issues with the phrase "suck my dick" or more known in the texting world of teens in the mid 2000s as "smd":

1. IT'S NOT CONSENSUAL. 

What part of screaming "suck my dick" at someone like an unhinged lunatic promotes consent? Granted people usually don't literally want someone else to go down on them, but the phrase still promotes/is reminiscent of an interaction that is in no way consensual. It's not a question, it's a demand. It's usually said in anger or as a way to rebound from a particularly offensive burn from one of your bros - both of which are situations that rarely lead to a healthy, consensual, mutually enthusiastic sexual encounter.

Our society already has such an issue of creating a culture of consent, why let things that promote rape continue at all?  Whenever I go to present to classes and clubs about consent, the main concern of guys is that ASKING THE QUESTION WILL KILL THE MOOD. Instead I feel like guys are more likely to vocalize their desire to have sex, and offer their partner an opportunity to chime in with a yay or nay, by stating "let's have sex". Not a question, but a demand/order said in a slightly polite way. Okay yay for you for being vocal and at least saying something instead of attempting to mind read like an asshole. But still, a QUESTION is so. much. better. than a unopened statement.

So I promote "would you like to suck my dick?" over "suck my dick" because let's include consent even in our insults, people.

2. It promotes a power imbalance and position of subordination on one person's place. 

If you've ever watched porn simply for research purposes on power dynamics between heterosexual couples, fetishization of races/sexualities, and rape culture, (am I the only one that does this?), then you'll see that usually heterosexual dick sucking presented in porn is highly aggressive, slightly abusive, and promotes the subordination of the woman.

I'll ask you to picture a scene in your head (if my little brother is reading this, then you can stop here buddy). One person is usually in a position of weakness, lower status, and degradation. Like physically. Unless the man's dick is on their head, these two parties are not equal. Also, a lot of porn has this creepy use of oral copulation on males as a form of punishment for women? It's used to put "dirty sluts" in their place and even to turn lesbians straight. Whatever the homophobic, sexist plot of the porno might be, 99.9% of the time it promotes the idea of women in a place of subordination and really, non consensual subordination.

So unless we turn the phrase "suck my dick" into "hey, wanna go down on me? and then would you want me to go down on you? are we both enthusiastically down for this equal sexual encounter?" then I think we should just avoid it all together.

3. I don't understand everyone's weird fascination with using genitalia as insults. 

I'm all about talking about genitalia. It should not be a taboo subject, we should be openly talking about sex and our bodies. In fact, I'm a proud new owner of a self-gynecology zine so if you see me on campus expect me to drop some random knowledge about how your mucus indicates your level of fertility on you.

Anyways...I don't understand people's fascination with calling each other a "dick" or "pussy" as if our own anatomy was so offensive and demeaning? You wanna call your bro a pussy for not butt chugging another shot? A pussy birthed your hideous fat face which takes a lot more strength than you sticking to your rigid ideas of hypermasculinity, so sit down and think about that for a minute.

I also think it can be harmful to focus so much on genitalia as an indicator of gender and power. You say "suck my dick" and you're promoting the idea of a male exerting power over another. That's problematic for the trans community because not all men have dicks, not all people that have dicks are men, AND trans individuals often have some body dysmorphia. They might be uncomfortable with parts of their body that don't align with their gender or they may not acknowledge those parts of their body anymore. The image of a penis should not be associated with men or power.

All in all the phrase is pretty harmless. But I'm still an advocate of constantly critically thinking about your environment and the subtle ways in which systemic oppression manifests itself within our culture. So next time you tell your bro to suck your dick as a defense mechanism for your wounded ego ask yourself, "Do I really want them to suck my dick? If I did, shouldn't I ask for consent? If not, what am I implying? Does that implication suggest I have power in that situation? What consequences does that have for my mindset towards women, sex, and gender?" Don't just blurt shit out because you're too dull minded and unoriginal to come up with any unique and halfway intelligent comebacks. Think about the things you say because they matter.