Don't Be A Jackass, Check Your White Privilege

With everything going on in Ferguson and New York, everyone and their mother's dog groomer's uncle have hopped on social media to voice their opinion. And I am 100% down for that; express yo self. I'm even willing and glad to read opinions that are vastly different than mine. Even though they are infuriating and make me want to move to Mars, I am able to be made aware of opposing view points because of social media.

But I would regret it to my death bed if I didn't use social media and my voice to stand up for what I believe in and attempt to educate others who might not have had the same privilege of an education as me. 

Oooo "privilege", what a word. But what does it mean, Bailey? I shall explain, because as far as I've seen, too many people that I know are completely unaware and ignorant of their privilege and this leads them to voice uneducated opinions and have harmful, oppressive beliefs and I am starting to bald from the stress of knowing these people exist get me a Xanax now. 

So I will attempt to explain white privilege in the most basic, accessible way that I can.

Privilege: a set of advantages, or lack of disadvantages, that a group enjoys usually without realizing or being aware that they have them.

Here are some examples (note: there's like 87 zillion more) if you are so unaware that you don't bother to analyze and critique the way you get to live in society simply for the group/class you were born into:

Male privilege: Do you feel relatively safe walking alone at night regardless of what you're wearing or how intoxicated you are? If yes, congrats you've got male privilege!
Cis gender privilege: Has anyone ever used the wrong gender pronouns on accident or on purpose as an attempt to hurtfully misgender you? If no, congrats you've got cis gender privilege!
Heterosexual privilege: Can you openly display PDA with your partner in public and not worry about your safety or being harassed or being told you're going to hell? If yes, congrats, you've got heterosexual privilege!
Wealth/class privilege: Did you grow up automatically assuming, and being told by your parents, that you would go to college? If yes, congrats, you've got class privilege!
Able-body privilege: Can you perform daily tasks on your own with ease and little pain? If yes, congrats, you've got able-body privilege!
Neurotypical/allistic privilege: Can you have a sad/off day and not worry about people telling you that it's all in your head and you should just *snap out of it*. If yes, congrats, you've got neurotypical privilege!

AND NOW, we shall address white privilege so my fellow pasty friends can stop being absolutely blind to the safety and opportunities that they enjoy simply because of their pallid mayo skin and the extreme danger, oppression, and disadvantages that people of color suffer from.

There's this hella rad feminist and anti-racism activist Peggy McIntosh that wrote an essay called "White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Backpack". I pulled some of my examples from that. It would behoove you to read it yourself if you still aren't catching my drift here.

Here's my list of privileges that *I've recognized in my own life* due to my race. White males have an additional set of privileges that I as a female cannot comment on.

1. I have never once in my life feared police brutality or unfair treatment by the justice system because of my race. Yeah, when I see a cop I double check my lights, my seat belt, turn my music down, and pray to god that my break lights are working because cops make me nervous on the account that I don't want to get a ticket. BUT I've NEVER feared that I'd get pulled over, stopped, or harassed because I "looked suspicious" and I'd never fear that any punishment I received would be extreme or unfair because of someone else's prejudice.

2. I've never been told that I am "pretty for a white girl". I don't have to worry that my race makes me less beautiful or doesn't meet Euro-centric standards. I can wear my hair naturally and not have anyone call me "ghetto" because of it. I get to see a plethora of gorgeous white women in the media and be validated that I am beautiful because I have something in common with those women - my race. If I was a total asshole, I could also appropriate parts of black female beauty culture and I'd be considered ~* quirky and fun *~ instead of trashy or hood.

3. I've never been told that I speak "like a white person" or that I'm articulate for my race. I don't have to worry that my dialect of English will be considered less intelligent or identify me as a criminal. I also don't have to worry that my children will be made fun of and corrected in school because of their dialect. Also, I'll have all my alfredo sauce lookin' friends know that AAVE is NOT standard English with mistakes. It is not any less valid or understandable than what you call (and really should stop) "standard English". I took a linguistics class this quarter, get at me.

4. I've never felt uncomfortable in an airport because of my race. I've never been singled out in security checks. I've never had people move seats away from me on a plane. I don't have to worry that if one white person commits an act of violence that others will label my entire race as terrorists.

5. I've never seen people of other races throwing parties with themes that belittle my special cultural traditions or holidays. No one has every reduced a cultural event that is important to me without knowing any of its importance, meaning, or symbolism, down to fake mustaches, face paint, and pinatas.

6. When I got into college and got a job, I never doubted why I was accepted. I assumed it was because I was qualified and not because of my race. I also never have other people telling me that I got a job because of my race. Also, as a college student, I've never had anyone ask me what sport I play because they assume I didn't get accepted based on academic merit alone.

7. When I learn about the history of my race and my country, it is focused on people of my race. I can devote 4 years (and a quarter...) of my life and ungodly amounts of money to major in English which will REQUIRE classes that focus on authors of my race and include authors of colors as small optional elective classes. I see the faces of the crotchety Founding Fathers and their creepy powdered wigs EVERYWHERE and am assured that this country was founded on white supremacy and people of color essentially accomplished nothing because they're not in the history books, right?

Alright so what now my Wonder Bread looking friends? Are we supposed to just wallow in our white guilt and feel sorry for ourselves because geez I have it so easy wahhhh I feel so bad for people of color. First, cut that shit out. White guilt is not going to do anyone any good and honestly, it's just you inserting yourself into the struggles of people of color. Get out of there, that is not your space. Second, start by just acknowledging these privileges that you have. Notice them, mention them to your other 2% milk looking friends to teach them, and then quit crying and start standing in solidarity with people of color. LISTEN to them when they say something. Do not invalidate what a person of color says because you don't understand; YOU ARE NOT LIVING THEIR LIFE EXPERIENCE. What they say goes. If you truly want to help dismantle white supremacy and systemic racism, do what they say will help.

Let's Talk About Kim's Butt Some More

It seems like whenever female celebrities take nude photos, privately or publicly, the world simply loses their minds and gets their cotton knickers all in a bunch. Female nudes are fabulous and feminist. However, I believe Kim Kardashian's recent nude photo shoot is about a little bit more than nudity and there are some aspects of the photos and the discussions around them that I don't agree with. So for my official contribution to the great Kim K debate, I offer what I think her nude photo shoot IS and IS NOT about.

1. It's NOT about motherhood

This has got to be the most ignorant argument that I've seen against Kim and her photos. People are freaking out because she's a mother and being a mother apparently means you automatically get stripped of all sexuality and never get to be viewed in a sexual way ever again. Yo, like how do you think she became a mother? This wild virgin-mother complex that we enforce on women is absurd. Mothers are supposed to be viewed as virginly. THAT IS NOT BIOLOGICALLY POSSIBLE YOU TWATS.

And for the people that argue this is going to be detrimental and a bad influence on North West, she is going to grow up and after the horrific experience of 6th grade sex ed, she will know that her mother in fact DOES have a vagina and HAS had intercourse and IS a sexual individual. SHOCKER. Wow maybe this child will grow up and not be weirdly taboo and shy about sex, maybe she will be confident with her sexuality and not shame other girls for doing the same.

This woman is celebrating her body which looks bitchin after having a child. Get over it.

2. It's NOT about money

There's a lot of Twitter shade being thrown that is defending Kim because she got paid to do this nude photo shoot...but in doing so, these Twitter-shade-throwers are also shaming other women that don't get paid for nudes. They are shaming women that send nudes to significant others, that take them for themselves, that have them on their personal phone for any personal reason and get personally violated when they're hacked...

On the flip side, there are people shaming Kim for "selling her body" and for the love of all that is holy, are we really equating nude photo shoots to slavery or serfdom? Kim has total autonomy over her body and this is what she chooses to do with it. It probably is empowering for her. No one gives a rat's ass if it's not empowering for you, as well.

No one SELLS their body. Not prostitutes. Not strippers. No one. Women sell their time, their abilities, their experience, their aesthetic. But there is never a moment that a women is selling her body...unless it's like black market organ stuff?

3. IS about body policing

Everyone needs to get over the seemingly ~*~radddical~*~ idea that women should have complete right over their own body. I'm not advocating for our rights to go streaking in children's parks in broad day light, but I will have my right to take nudes without my integrity or character questioned.

Society sexualizes every aspect of women in songs, advertising, movies, etc. but the second a woman does it to herself all bigoted-narrow-minded-shit hits the fan. A woman showing skin on her own or for herself is not the automatic green light to start judging her character or talent. Repeat after me: "Skin =/= character". And if you don't believe that then god have mercy on your soul because your are directly trying to police the way women expose or cover their bodies and directly stating that a woman's worth is always tied to her body and there is a special hell in the 9th circle of Dante's Inferno for you, my friend.

Let a lady be naked. It's just skin. It's just a booty. Stop trying to control what women do with their bodies because it makes your conservative pathetic little mind uncomfortable.

4. IS about race

So yes, one of Kim's photos was recycled from a photo in a book titled "Jungle Fever" and reeks of a history of turning black women into sexual objects, which is all very problematic and makes everyone uncomfortable.

But check it out, we have 2 Live Crew and Sir Mix-a-Lot rapping about large butts on black women in the very early 90s. The social acceptance and sexual praise for large butts came straight from rap culture and was all in reference to black women. So Kim is perpetuating the fetishization of black women and reducing black women to body parts (specifically the booty) much like rappers do. Also, one could argue that it's slight cultural appropriation because Kim is Armenian American with no black heritage.

So cool, a not-black-woman does a border-line racist photo shoot that highlights her majestic ass. Fine. But what happens when ACTUAL black women do this? Remember Nicki Minaj's Anaconda single cover? Nicki, who is Afro-Trinidadian, who is choosing to have control over how her body and booty is viewed, got shamed and called trashy.  Whereas, when Kim poses with quirky faces so it's all fun and cute rather than shamed for being "trashy". So yeah, this is about race.

So next time you see some consenting nudes in the web-o-sphere, if it's not racist, fucking praise that ish! Nothing else. Just say "Glory hallelujah here's another confident woman who is comfortable in her body and with her sexuality and even if I'm not super comfortable in le nude, I respect her for doing her, in Jesus name, amen!"

WhOo0oAaaHh It's The Wild World of Online Social Activism

The internet is a wild place that can literally consume all your time, your life, and the quality of your vision, not that I know from personal experience or anything....But the internet is also a place where niche or oppressed communities can come together to find support, share ideas, and express themselves. ALSO the internet is a super rad place where language is constantly changing, being created, and being re-appropriated.

A lot of people may be against identities and labels thinking that they are exclusionary or get too specific. However, we must ALWAYS give people the right to self-identify however they choose. This means that we must ALWAYS allow new identities and labels to be created by and for certain groups. If you are not a part of that group or identity, then you have no say as to whether their identity is legitimate or not.

So, as an internet junkie and flaming feminist with liberal and sapphic tendencies, I am married to the game of online social activism. Here are a few terms I've learned during my late night internet binges. This might not be the best place to start if you are a newly self identified feminist or social activist, but for those that are well versed or just want to learn more about underrepresented groups, I'd suggest exploring some of these terms further!

General Terms

TERF: Trans-Exclusionary Radical Feminist
SWERF: Sex Worker-Exclusionary Radical Feminist
MRA: Men's Rights Activist
SJW: Social Justice Warrior
MSWF: Mainstream White Feminist
Weaponized femininity: a form of feminism that turns misandry into an elaborate joke, especially online. The aesthetic is stereotypically feminine, i.e. glitter, hearts, pink, etc., but expresses a love for misandry and male tears.

Diarchy: refers to a society that operates on a system of a gender dichotomy that is based on mutuality.
Kyriarchy: moving away from just the patriarchy, this term refers to a system that keeps all intersecting oppressions in place, not just sexism. Coined by Elisabeth Schussler Fiorenze.
Mansplaining: when a man assumes he knows more on any given topic than a woman and proceeds to over explain it to her in extremely simplified terms.

Cis-splaining: refers to a cisgender individual over simplifying and talking down to individuals not within the gender binary. Often talks over trans individuals and derails conversations about the trans community to focus on cis privilege.
Whorephobia: a term often used to describe anti-porn and anti-sex worker feminists. These radical feminists are often against the female porn stars or sex workers because they consider them "whores" and not the actual industries themselves.

Sizeism: a form of oppression that discriminates against fat (which is a term now being re-appropriated by the community) individuals by viewing them as lazy, unhealthy, unattractive, fetishized, etc.
PUA: Pick Up Artist, generally refers to men that use degrading and sexually abusive techniques to "woo" women.
FPUA: Female Pick Up Artist, usually women don't use this label as an identifier for themselves, but these women help teach other women the art of seduction rather than listing things they shouldn't do when trying to attract a man.
negging: undermining a woman's self confidence so that she might be more vulnerable and receptive of a man's sexual advances.

Racism

Afrofuturism: a literary and aesthetic movement that blends Afrocentricity, science fiction, and the history of oppression of individuals of color by addressing concerns of the African Diaspora through a science fiction lens.
AAVE: African American Vernacular English
Misogynoir: a form of misogyny that specifically oppresses women of color, especially African American women. This is done by white males and females as well as, black men.

Ableism

Neurotypical: an individual that does not suffer from/has not been diagnosed or self diagnosed a mental or personality disorder.
Neurodivergent: an individual that does suffer from a mental or personality disorder. The concept of self diagnosing is becoming more accepted and supported in online communities.
Allistics: An individual who is not autistic. Often belittles or discredits individuals who self diagnose themselves with autism or Asperger syndrome.

Sexuality & Gender

Bihet: a bisexual in a heterosexual relationship.
Cishet: a term for a heterosexual cisgender individual.
Sapiosexual: a person who finds intelligence to be the most sexually attractive feature of a person.
Demisexual: a person who does not experience sexual attraction to another person until they have formed a emotional or romantic connection with them.
Cupiosexual: a person who desires a sexual relationship but feels no sexual attraction to anyone.
Skoliosexual: a person who experiences sexual attraction to non-binary identified individuals.
Ace: another way of saying asexual, which is a person who is not sexually attracted to others and/or doesn't desire sexual activity in or outside of a relationship.

Gray-Ace/Grace: someone that doesn't identify as sexual or asexual but somewhere inbetween.
Aro: another way of saying aromantic, which is a person who is not romantically attracted to others.
Allo Ace: a term in the ace/asexual community to describe someone who is non-asexual.
Aro Ace: a combination of aromantic and asexual.
Demi Ace: a combination of demiromantic (experience a romantic attraction after an emotional connection has been formed) and asexual. Also sometimes used as a synonym for demisexual.
Truscum: transmedicalists that follow the medical definition of transsexualism - that it is a medical condition and an individual needs sex dysphoria to be trans.
Tucute/Transtrender: terms used for those who support trans people but often exclude transmen, truscum, or trans individuals with mental disorders.

Crossdreamer: individuals that dream about being the other sex and it is often part of their sexual fantasies.
Girlfag: a female who is attracted to gay, bisexual, and/or transmen and who may feels as though they are a gay male within a female body.
Guydyke: a man, generally cisgender and heterosexual, who is attracted to or wants to have relationships with lesbians. The term is used to describe a man who fetishes lesbians.
Autogynephilia: describes a sexuality in which a person is sexual aroused by the idea of themselves being the opposite sex. Distinguished from transgender or transsexual.

Remember that these are legitimate terms that online groups have created for themselves and the oppression they face. Just because you might not understand them or think they don't exist, does not mean that they aren't very real for certain people. Expand your vocab, be accepting of underrepresented groups, let people explore and create their own identities, sell your soul and your 20/20 vision to the interweb for the sake of knowledge!!!

Is Dad Humor Rooted in Sexism?

I've noticed this new trend of college age guys dressing like dads, calling themselves dads, requesting that I call them daddy...okay so maybe not the last one...but it is a new hip trendy thing that's happening. If you Google "dad humor" you get all these hilarious Buzzfeed articles about dads telling punny jokes and embarrassing their kids. BUT if you Google "mom humor" you get a bunch of articles and blogs of moms coming together to discuss the hellish week they've had running around after their messy babies (which apparently are such a handful that they might as well be serial killers?)

So why is there this difference? Why has it become quirky and fun to dress and act like a dad but there's no mention of young adult women wanting to dress or act like moms? I'm not saying its wrong or sexist to switch  your wardrobe over to polos and hideous cargo shorts, but I want college men to maybe stop and think how they are able to do this and women aren't. Or would rather be caught dead before they start calling themselves a "mom" just for kicks and gigs. 

Here are some reasons I believe might contribute to the valuation of dads and their witty humor and horrible sunglasses tans over hardworking domestic mothers:

1. In the media, dads are often portrayed as bumbling fools that just fuck up the house. Oh, you silly, funny, useless dads...

Dads have the luxury of being to be the fun parent that makes messes, plays games, and gets dirty. Why? Because mom is always there to clean up after him. Take a look at these commercials for cleaning supplies. Men you should be infuriated that the media depicts you as an absolute fool that doesn't give a rat's ass about the cleanliness of your house and allows your wife to pick up after you like you're a toddler. 

Silly dads can't even do the groceries without making a mess. Good thing mom has her ULTRA POWERFUL XXX STEEL MAGNUM VACUUM to clean up the mess. 

Even dads that help with child raising and domestic activities can't do it right. Silly dads caring so much about your conversations about cars so we can put a poop joke in this commercial. Guy humor, awesome!

Dads work so hard during the weekend to make all the money for the family that little sleeping beauty needs to nap all day until fucking wife Janet comes in and wakes him up. What a buzz kill. 

2. From a young age, women are shamed for being mothers

There is the term "teen mom". There are shows dedicated to them by focusing on the nightmarish idea that you could have a child while in your teens, be left by your boyfriend, be publicly shamed, and be depicted as a trashy moral-less teenager by the media. 

But there's no term for "teen dads"? Guys are typically completely missing from the dialogue about teen pregnancy. The show Teen Mom had to have a "special" dedicated to teen dads because they were so often missing from the scripts during the show. 

In case you missed sex ed in 5th grade, it takes two to tango. Why motherhood, especially during teenage years, focuses so much on the girl and her "bad life decisions" while not attributing any responsibility to the male is sexist. Teenage girls are shamed for not protecting themselves and for bringing a child into this world that society assumes won't be raised properly while teen boys are given a gold star and cookie for the one time they buy their kid diapers or pay child support on time. 

3. Society values older men and devalues older women

Old men get to be deemed as distinguished silver foxes with lots of money and freedom to sleep with Play Boy Bunny blondes. What do I get when I become an old woman? Well, if I'm not married I'm a spinster. If I don't have children, I'm considered the most tragic story of a wasted womanhood. Or, if it was my choice, I'm a career-focused bitch. 

Look at advertising for senior citizens. Men get pushed cool hair dyes to cover up 50% of the grey but keep the other half cause it's sexy and debonair. 

Cool old man in the work force with a sexed up secretary? Perfect depiction of equal gender roles. 

Women get pushed creams and lotions to rid every known wrinkle in the history of science. And have you seen the price of that crap? A bottle of "Get Rid of Your Crow's Feet Before People Realize You're 65 and Not 27 Like You've Been Saying For the Past 38 Years" is like the equivalent of 10 bottles of wine and a bag of Cheetos. I know where my money is going. 

I will literally get called "wrinkle face" if I use the wrong makeup when I'm older? Rad.

4. But moms get to be cougars!! Being sexualized and seducing younger men SO MUCH FUN!! 

There is literally an entire show called Extreme Cougar Wives that mocks older women for being sexual in any way. We often consider older men dating younger women normal or just a fact of society. But the second a woman tries to do it it's super creepy. I've tried to watch this show and be like "You go girl, work those wrinkles, make that young man buy you fruity drinks!" but I was just insanely uncomfortable and creeped out. Why do I feel that way towards older women that exert their sexuality but not towards older men? 

Also, there's this horrendous double standard about female versus male sexual predators. When female sexual abusers prey on teenage boys, it's often seen as every teenage boy's dream! The idea that all teenage boys are super horny and want some mind blowing sexual experience at a young age which is actually illegal and extremely traumatic needs to be destroyed. So older women are sexualized in a way that dismisses sexual assault and child abuse. 

I'm not sure if this post was a stretch. But I do think that we should constantly be examining the social differences between men and women and where those differences originated from. Dads are awesome. Mine taught me how to hold a gun without crying and change the oil in my car so I don't get stranded on the 101 again. I thoroughly enjoy all these college males wearing visors and acting more mature. I'd just challenge you all to look beyond these behaviors and forms of comedy to see why society might accept them. 

No Girl is "High Maintenance"

As a feminist, I will defend women to the effing grave. I didn't always have that mindset. For sure I judged other girls all through middle and high school. I wore jeans and men's undershirts and Gloria Steinem forbid you wore UGGs around me, I'd give you the evil eye. But learning more about the every day sexism that every woman faces, I became much more understanding and willing to stand in solidarity with my sisters, even those that make different choices than myself. Because for Susan B. Anthony's sake, we already have to deal with men treating us like sub par sexual objects, the last thing we need is to treat each other like that, as well.

Thus said, I will defend women that enjoy their manicures, Lewey V-Ton, and shopping until you lower me into the grave when I will have had the mortician fixture my fingers to flip everyone the bird as I descend.

I will not have it anymore with the phrase "high maintenance girl/woman". And here are some reasons why:

1. The phrase belittles and shames female activities and gender expression.

Getting your hair/nails done is often seen as a female activity. Since when does maintaining a hyper feminine appearance or female gender expression constitute one as high maintenance? I'm really sick and tired of women that want to express their femininity being considered shallow, materialistic, or anti-feminist.

If guys think less of girls that enjoy expressing their femininity and see it as a sign of weakness, it makes it okay for other girls to do the same thing. When girls say "I'm not like other girls" or "I don't have any girl friends because they're so much drama" I want to smack them in their Carmex-instead-of-Mac-lipgloss lips. But then I also realize that this, my friends, is a form of internalized misogyny. Guys view feminine actions and expression as lesser than, so females want to, or subconsciously, do the same.

For Ruth Bader Ginsburg's sake, just look at what UrbanDictionary says is related to the phrase "high maintenance". If you think that calling a girl this is harmless when it clearly has horrible connotations, you are dead wrong. Awesome, caring about my looks and wanting to express stereotypical femininity devalues my sexuality and makes me a whore. Totally makes sense.

2. Men act like "putting up with" these women is worth it purely for the sex.
"High maintenance" women are depicted as only being good for sex or as arm candy because of their flawless physical appearance. Just check out this super empowering Axe commercial:

Yeah, dudes, just because you chose to go shopping with your girl and carry her bags around doesn't entitle you to wild sex, or any sex at all. If I was with a guy with that mentality, he would only get a sad handjob. To the face. With my fist. I am 1 billion percent certain that girls that are depicted this way are actually WAY more complex and three-dimensional. You can like designer brands and still have a brain. You can enjoy your significant other's company while shopping and not feel obligated to repay him in sex after. You can never leave your house without makeup and still be a compassionate loving person who wants an intimate connection based on more than sex with a neanderthal that reeks of $3 middle school cologne.

3. The word "maintenance" itself promotes a super unhealthy idea of relationships.

Relationships, and women, are not cars. You should not have to barely maintain a relationship simply for the sex, you should thrive and grow in it. The idea around a "high maintenance" girl is that her significant other puts up with her, can hardly satisfy her unless he's ballin' hard with the Benjamins, and is forced to act like a personal shopping cart while out and about.

This image is not only just plain stupid, but it promotes this idea of a crappy one-sided relationship where two people can hardly tolerate each other and only do so because of physical appearance and money.

Also the idea that women have to be maintained is gross. Yeah if you think of high maintenance as maintaining my flawless good looks and bitchin' wardrobe so I can stomp all over any boy that assumes I'm too shallow to go camping, then sure, that's what high maintenance is. But it's not as if as soon as these girls stop going to the salon or buying heels they break down into some hideous troll, self destruct, and take the whole human race down with them. I'm not maintaining shit but my superiority over your smelly boy self.

And just for fun, I included some things I found on the World Wide Web while writing this post. According to my research and the outstanding gentleman over at AskMen.com, here are a few things that make a girl "high maintenance":

1. Girls that don't fart or go no. 2
Hahahahaha....ha....ha.....I never shit. Ever. I swear. It's not like 87% of the conversations with my dad or roommates revolve around my bowel movements. I eat Activia for Ladie'z Delicate Bowels every day. It just magically evaporates everything in my system.

2. Orders fruity drinks
Long Islands are delicious and they fuck you up. I'm being practical. You should try one next time you're trying to butt chug whiskey to validate your manhood.

3. Monogrammed luggage
I'll be laughing when some group of tourists takes off with your luggage at the airport because it's forgettable and indistinguishable as hell. Byyyye.

4. Hypochondriac? 
Seriously, fuck off AskMen.com and Reddit. So many guys are quick to label "high maintenance" girls as clingy, insecure, and attention seeking. Yo, like these, as well as hypochondria, are symptoms of other mental illnesses. It's not a freaking joke to degrade women for being mentally unstable. 

So guys and gals, next time you see a lady that has clearly put a lot of effort into her looks and enjoys a little retail therapy, for the love of every Real Housewives cast maybe try complimenting her for once and acknowledge that she might actually enjoy looking flossy as hell every day.

What It's Like Being a Feminist Older Sister

Growing up I always wanted older siblings, specifically older brothers who would give away knuckle sandwiches like candy to any punk teenage boys that broke my heart. For awhile, I very much resented the fact that I was the protector and I was the one to serve as a good example. Turns out I was just being a lazy asshole who wanted to be able to enjoy the luxuries of the middle children who never got grounded for going over text message limits in middle school and never had to write a list of do's and don'ts for their mom when they got their first boyfriend (true story).

As I've grown older, I've also grown into the idea of being the oldest child, specifically the oldest sister. As a social activist I always look for ways that I can lead by example and being the oldest sibling is the perfect way to do so. Here are some things that are pretty rad about being the feminist older sister of the family.

1. I can serve as a resource on relationships, body image, sexism, etc. for my younger sister.

My mom is the tits, we already established this when she was a total baller about me coming out. However, as a teenage girl, coming to your mom about certain lady issues can be embarrassing or uncomfortable. I would like to think that I can provide my younger sister with information that a lot of young girls are too afraid to ask for since they don't have someone closer to their age to discuss things with.

I can give my sister maybe more relevant advice on boiz and whatnot. Also, I serve as a role model for being a self-identified feminist that openly discusses issues of sexism. My little sister has already been very vocal and public about her support of the feminist movement and I will definitely take at least 1% credit for that. The other 99% is her being a total badass.

I've also learned that I don't have to be a perfect role model for my little sister and that being transparent about my depression and other issues offers her more resources and support than if I were to try to be perfect.

2. I can teach my younger brothers about consent and healthy masculinity. 

Every time I come home it's not like I sit my little brothers down and have a chat about good ole consent. For Thanksgiving break I don't have a whole PowerPoint prepared on healthy sexual relationships for them...not that it's crossed my mind or anything...

BUT just through my actions, my daily dialogue, and bringing home "I Heart Consensual Sex" buttons for my 14 year old brother, I am slowly exposing them to the basics around consent and respecting women.

Also, since I don't let them get away with being douche bags in the slightest, I don't have to worry about them having a warped sense of masculinity or attempting to over exert their masculinity. It also helps that my dad, although a redneck, Nacho Libre-esque, all-meat-eating loon, is also exposed to my occasional rants about feminism. You best believe that if any of the men in my family pulled some sexism ish that I would jump down their throats...in the kindest way of course.

3. My younger siblings teach me about the youth and the gender/sexism problems this generation of young whipper snappers is facing. 

Despite my being on the internet 23/7, keeping in touch with what is hip and kewl is quite hard. But I believe that in any field one should keep up to date with the latest and greatest in order to provide the most cutting edge, trendy products, therapy, bucket hats, etc.

SO having younger siblings lets me learn about the strange world of the youth without being a total creeper and Googling "sexist problems that teenz deal with". I get to hear the issues they deal with and offer advice, but I also get to change my own mindset based on new ideas that are emerging.

I quite literally have horrific nightmares that I'm going to be that extremely out of touch, crotchety, old, offensive grandparent simply because I haven't kept an open mind to the ideas of younger generations. I can already tell I'll be incapable of working any form of technology seeing as I can't even work a Mac these days, but for Christ's sake I hope I'm still supporting body piercings and reproductive rights when I'm 105 years old.

4. I am giving my parents hell and making them questions whether or not they wanted a fiery feminist as a first born or not. 

As the oldest sibling, I took the heat for breaking the first flip phone, having the first co-ed birthday party, and dating the first angsty teen boy. But I've also taken the heat for being the first non-heterosexual sibling, the first advocate for gender equity, and the first one to be cited as "burning bras" in our family Christmas newsletter written by my dad.

I am proud that I have challenged my parents a bit to rethink their ideas of gender and sexuality. I'm glad that I can un-apologetically open discussions with them about these topics. My mom always told me that she wanted me to be comfortable with my body and here I am just running around half naked at the age of 21 which she claims is taking her advice too far. Good, mom. I want to challenge your notions of the female body and inspire you to join a nudist colony! Just kidding...but I'm really glad that I can prompt my parents to go a step further in their understanding of feminist issues.

In contrast to if I was a middle/younger child, I believe I would have a harder time integrating these beliefs into my parents' mindsets. Say a first child already paved the way and was a devout Mormon for the rest of their life, it would have been harder for me to come in as a middle child as say "EFF THE GENDER BINARY DOWN WITH THE PATRIARCHY WHERE'S THE SEX POSITIVE SEX EDUCATION!?!?" I'm fairly certain this would have literally killed my parents or caused WWIII within the Hamblin household.

I'm lucky enough to come from a family that is very open with each other, and by open I mean we literally pants each other, get in fist fights, and fart on each other. But I'm glad I've grown into my role as the older sister and taken it as an opportunity to shove my feminist agenda down my family's throats. I let go of the idea of being the perfect older sister a long time ago and instead settled for being the feminist, bisexual, liberal, slightly-flawed-but-still-over-confident big sister.

The Male Feminist: Friend or Foe?

So there's a lot of hub bub going around online about male feminists and the United Nation's #HeForShe campaign. I will have it known that I am 1,000% always down to have more men involved in the movement to end violence against women/sexism. Oppressors are E-EFFING-SSENTIAL in movements to end oppression. But men are often handed a cookie just for labeling themselves as a "feminist" without actually acting like one.  Like cool "This Is What A Feminist Looks Like" shirt, bro, but did you really just say that test raped you?

I'm not really sure where I stand on the whole male feminist topic, but I'm going to take some time to explore my different thoughts and you can make of it what you will. Or write it down in your diary and make inspirational posters with my words on them.

Male Feminists Are Friends

1. We need to un-taboo-ize the word "feminists" and men using that label can help to do so. 

Why is it that if I have a conversation with a guy and say I support women's equality everything's groovy but when I drop the F-bomb I either get mocked or labeled as a bra-burning man hater.

"Feminist" is not some dirty cuss word; people need to stop giggling or cringing when we use it. This isn't 5th grade sex ed where you get to snicker every time the word "vagina" is mentioned.

So, if men specifically label themselves as a "feminist" I think it will help reduce the negative preconceptions around it.

2. Self-identified male feminists get a lot of flack from "women against feminism" and frankly, anything we can do to shake those individuals out of their disillusion mindset is a benefit to humankind. 

First, *LOL CHUCKLE SNORT GUFFAW* at "women against feminism". I'm sorry, I understand internalized misogyny and being raised by close-minded parents, but for real? These women are actively expressing their opinions online so I know they have the resources to learn more about sexism.

Anyways...these anti-feminists have taken it upon themselves to mock male feminists by attacking their masculinity. Check out the hashtag #WomenAgainstFeminism if you want to projectile vomit all over your computer screen.

Wait, so why am I included this as a pro for male feminists? Oh, because the more men we have standing up for feminism, HOPEFULLY the more women will realize that this is a for real movement/issue.

Male Feminists are Foes

1. The internet has taught me that this gross thing called a macktivist exists apparently? 

I praise yeezus that I don't personally know any men that use the label of "feminist" as a way to get laid, but apparently that is a thing.

Urban Dictionary definition:

macktivist

A pseudo-activist who participates in marches and other activities so that he may have access to cute girls who believe in saving the planet. A compounding of "to mack" and "activist." For obvious reasons, this noun has no feminine iteration.

2. Using the label "feminist" as a male is the equivalent of a white woman calling herself an "intersectional feminist" or dare I say...the "straight ally", as well. 

I've mentioned it before, if you are a straight white female you CANNOT call yourself an intersectional feminist because you have no flipping clue what it's like to experience other forms of oppression like racism or transphobia. Also, there's this sick movement of straight allies "coming out" as allies. Naw, cut that ish out.

There's something very problematic about un-oppressed people trying to speak FOR oppressed people. The oppressor is necessary to create safe spaces for unrepresented folk to be heard.

So LISTEN UP, feminism is a space for WOMEN to talk about WOMEN issues. Men, you may sit, look pretty, and listen, but we don't want to hear any of the bs you try to fabricate out of thin air about issues of being female/female-identified because GUESS WHAT?! you don't have to live as a woman, you dinguses.

The only thing you can do is create and respect spaces that are for women. Realize that you will never understand the sexism we have to live with - so let us bitch about it, march in the streets, write books, whatever. Do not insert yourself by trying to pretend you know what our experiences are like.

3. Male feminists often take the approach of framing issues of sexism around the benefits it has for men. 

I have serious beef with campaigns that target men by using emotional rhetoric like Do you have a sister? Would you want someone to treat her like that? That is someone's daughter...blah blah blah. Oh wow, really? Women are just MEN'S daughters, moms, and wives? No, we are so much more than that and we deserve respect and safety based on the fact that we are women, not something attached or belonging to a male.

Also, fighting sexism does have the inherent value of dismantling gender stereotypes/roles which frees men from having to portray hyper masculinity...buttttt feminist discussions shouldn't solely revolve around this benefit. We shouldn't have to incentivize fighting sexism by giving men their own little prizes for being decent human beings.

Men are PART of the solution to sexism not THE solution. Yup, men should check their privilege, call out sexist behavior in other men, and open dialogue about feminist issues. As for the label of "feminist" I'm not 100% sold on men using it.

Coming Out to My Mom

I'm usually not one to brag. I could win the Nobel Peace Prize and stay shrouded in my all black wardrobe and not tell anyone. That has nothing to do with humility; as an English major I'm naturally pretentious. It more has to do with not liking being visible.

But anyways, I'm going to take a moment to brag the living crap out of my mom and make her, as a super rad advocate and ally mother, very visible in hopes of inspiring other parents.

So I came out as bisexual to my mom this week. And she could not have responded in a more perfect way. And working as an activist and social justice advocate I'm often hyper-aware of language and responses from people. So for me to be able to say she responded perfectly is a huge thing for her to be proud of!

Here are some things that she did/addressed that were extremely supportive and totally eased my mind about being out to my family:

1. She didn't force the conversation 

My coming out to my mother just kind of slipped into a phone call we were having. My mom guided the conversation to the topic, expressed her love and support, and guided the conversation away from it.

I've been writing about my sexuality a lot online simply because I'm more comfortable doing that than verbally saying it to my family. My mom clearly already knew but she let me take my time with telling her. And, because she's got that witchcraft mother's intuition, she's probably known since I was in high school. God knows how long she's waited for me to come out. Hell I was probably born and she immediately knew this baby is most definitely bi. But she never ever forced the conversation. So major parenting kudos to her for that.

2. She didn't bring our religion into it

Although my family isn't extremely religious, we all had a religious upbringing. It was something that bonded my family and continues to be something that influences our lives. Strides have been made by various religious groups to be inclusive of the LGBTQ community yet, many religions are still hostile or exclusive.

It was relieving for my mother not to mention any religious backlash that I might get from other members of my family about being bisexual. She also never even thought about mentioning the idea of my sexuality going against god's will. Wherever my mother is at with her own spiritual beliefs, it was amazing for her to not include it at all in my coming out process.

3. She talked about future grandchildren 

I'm effing stoked to have children one day. It seems like a magically glorious adventure into a whole new realm of life that I can't even fathom at this point in my life. But my sexuality means that I could possible fall in love with and marry a woman one day. That would be so rad. It would also make having kids a little less traditional.

My mom was such a baller because she said that she didn't care if she had biological grandchildren or if I chose to adopt with someone. I cannot tell you the amount of pressure that took off of me. Even at my age now, the thought of adopting instead of having my own child is something I wrestle with. But if my mom can be so calm and collected about it, then so can I. And I can focus on truly falling in love with someone and not worry about how my family will react to my future family's dynamic.

4. She focused on my health 

My mom said that all she wanted was for me to be happy and healthy. She said happiness contains a huge variety of things but my physical health doesn't. My happiness can come from loving a man or a woman or myself but my health comes from actually having healthy habits, unfortunately.

My depression has led me to pick up a lot of unhealthy habits and my mother knows this. A lot of parents treat sexuality like it is some form of physical defect, something wrong with the brain, a mental disorder. But my mother knows that it most certainly fucking not. She separated my sexuality from my health and placed more importance on me taking care of myself than adhering to societal norms. And that was some serious motivation to hit the gym....for like 2 minutes...baby steps, right?

Growing up totally sucks. Well like 99% of it does. But the other 1% is the part of growing up that allows my mother and I to become close friends. As I creep closer to the impending doom of death, I become more confident with myself and I'm able to share that with my mother. But I wouldn't be able to share things with her if she wasn't the total bamf that she is.

I am so incredibly grateful to have a supportive ally and advocate as a mother. I know that the coming out process can be incredibly painful for some people so I appreciate my experience even more. And now I know I'll be able to bring my future children around grandma and not worry about her being a homophobic old loon. Congrats mom, you successfully made it through the process of one of your children coming out. Parenting success.

Supporting a Survivor of Sexual Assault

If someone ever discloses a sexual assault to you, it is important to know the positive and helpful ways to respond. Odds are, you are the first person they've told and if they get a negative response, odds are the won't tell anyone else.

Since rapists usually perpetrate an average of 6 times, 1 failed response by a victim's supporter can lead to 5 more assaults. If that's not motivation enough to educate yourself and prepare to support anyone in your life you trusts you enough to disclose, then lord have mercy on your soul.

Do:

• Start by believing! Every. single. time. Even tell the survivor that. Say, "I believe you. Thank you for feeling comfortable enough to tell me."
• Know local resources and offer them to the survivor. If you don't know the resources, offer to find them and accompany a survivor to any offices, exams, etc. 
• Put all the control in their hands. Survivors have had their power of choice stripped from them. Let them make decisions of what resources to use, when to go, who can accompany them. If you accompany them anywhere, even letting them make small decisions like asking where you should sit, would they like water, etc. gives them their power back. 
• Respect that certain people, places, or words could be triggers for them. Just because something doesn't trigger you, doesn't mean it doesn't seriously affect them. 

Don't:

• Don't interrogate them. Literally no detail of a sexual assault matters except for the fact that it happened and this person needs a loving, gentle support system. They been drankin? Irrelevant. They wore a short skirt? Irrelevant. They were out late? Irrelevant. Don't even ask. 
• DO NOT push them to report anything. Formally reporting is a serious process that requires retelling their story to several parties. If they are not ready for, respect that decision. 
• Unless you are a mandated reporter via Title IX, don't tell a soul about the conversation. 
• Don't invade their personal space. If they are cross armed and leaning back, don't reach out and touch them. Even for a hug. Respect that they might feel violated and aren't ready to have anyone in a close space right then. 
• Don't bring it up after the fact. Don't make a survivor feel like a sexual assault now defines who they are. It's not true. They were a radical person before, they are a radical person now. 
• On that note, don't expect them to be 100% the same person they were before the incident. The healing process takes time and is life altering. Don't be the asshat that pesters them with "well you used to like going to this bar", "well you used to smile a lot more", "well you used to blah blah blah". OBJECTION. Stop that nonsense. 

Remember, supporting someone and talking about these issues can often take a lot mentally and emotionally out of a person. Take care of yourself. Talk it out with a confidential service such as a local rape crisis center, a counseling center, etc. Take a bath and eat a tub of chocolate frosting. You deserve it for being an empathetic, gentle human being.

Here are some resources that are good to know regardless of your location:

• National Sexual Violence Resource Center: http://www.nsvrc.org/ 
• Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network: https://rainn.org/get-help/sexual-assault-and-rape-international-resources
• The United States Department of Justice: http://www.justice.gov/ovw/sexual-assault 
• The White House Not Alone site: https://www.notalone.gov/

My Problem with "Basic Girls"

The season for pumpkin spice lattes and yoga pants are upon us. Girls will start to bust out their North Face jackets and Uggs and head to Bath & Body Works to buy every pumpkin scented product. The world will be swarmed with what we refer to as "basic girls" or "basic bitches".

But what the hell is wrong with that (besides the horrible connotation that the word "basic" has and the extremely demeaning effects of the word "bitch")? 1. Starbucks is the effing nectar of the gods, don't you dare disagree with me and 2. Pumpkin spice is scientifically proven to be the most delicious scent in the universe. Why are we belittling girls that hop on popular trends or who genuinely appreciate pumpkins as their favorite species of squash?

Here's my beef with this idiotic phrase:

1. The term "basic girl" is used to lump all girls together in order to belittle them for not being "unique".

Just because someone enjoys popular trends or is a bit consumerist doesn't mean they are less original. Who knows...maybe the girl you judge for drinking Starbucks every day writes a kick ass feminist blog and puts herself through school...

Plus, a woman doesn't have to be 100% unique to be valued. For Christ's sake, is everything that you do a product of your own cute, special, little original mind? No. So step back.

Guys are using this idea of being "basic" to strip women of their idiosyncratic personalities in order to value them less. Or they value the "basic" girl because she seemingly has less opinions and easily follows the crowd.

Check out this snippet from an article...:

" Pro: She's loyal, albeit bordering on needy.

Pro: She's malleable, like silly putty or tofu. If you're looking for a predictable sidekick to live out your cookie cutter existence with, the basic bitch is your girl."

Malleable. Awesome. I love equating women to silly putty that I can form to do whatever I want and not respect boundaries whatsoever.

and this one: 

"By getting some actual opinions, innovative ideas, high self confidence, and a grasp of reality, then you're getting somewhere! Like what you want to like! Have lame hobbies, be goofy, be YOU! You can fight this."

~*~be goofy~*~ All respectable women are so goofy and fun and have cute little quirks and hobbies and are merely here to be manifestations of their originality and difference from other women.

PLOT TWIST: these quotes were written by women. Women calling other women opinion-less squishy balls of useless putty. What a win for feminism! 

2. There's a serious racial difference between "basic girl" and "basic bitch/hoe".

While the term "basic girl" evokes the image of a white female, the even more derogatory term "basic bitch/hoe" is racialized and evokes the image of a black female. Just check out these 2 different definitions from Urban Dictionary:

So this term enforces the power differential between white and black women. White women are bubbly little rays of sunshine that can't think for themselves while black women are literally degraded for their sexuality and bodies. Plus, the term "basic bitch" originated from black rappers Lil Duval and The Game. White youth have yet again taken a piece of black culture that truly isn't ours and turned it into something that is less harmful for us (specifically white women) than it is for the black community (specifically black women).

3. It mocks women who uphold the stereotypes of their gender. 

A girl that chooses to wear pink, bake cookies, and go shopping shouldn't be valued any less than a girl who wears combat boots and refuses to wear makeup. That's the whole damn point of feminism, to allow other women to make choices that you might not necessarily agree with, to support them, and to value them as equally as other women and men.

The whole "she wears short skirts and I wear t-shirts" crap is absurd. It promotes girl hate which just tears us all down and the patriarchy wins! Do not value another woman less because she enjoys stereotypical female things - leave that to the misogynistic chauvinists that we are trying to eradicate in the 2015 feminist uprising.

4. It takes feminized actions, hobbies, trends, or objects and turns them into something worth mocking and not taken seriously. 

1. Baking - You're so basic. What? Do you need to bake food to stay alive or something? That's so unoriginal of you to do nice things for your neighbors. Ew. 
2. Decorating your house for fall - So. Basic. God who do you think you are trying to get festive about the seasons and holidays? That's so overdone. 
3. Taking a picture in your cute new boots - Jeeze. Where do you get off having that much confidence and feeling good about your appearance/outfit for the day? 
4. Consulting your friends on what to wear out tonight - Ugh. Like can you not think for yourself? Do your friends really mean that much to you? You actually hangout with girls whose opinion you value? Lame. 

This whole "basic bitch" trope even takes non-feminized things and makes them unacceptable for women. Like wtf am I not allowed to do if I don't want to be called a "basic bitch"? The lists I've read online include: using Mason jars for storage (uh, but recycling is awesome?), owning a toaster (BUT TOAST IS DELICIOUS), and owning a full length mirror (sorry, women can only own half length mirrors). 

The amount of sarcasm in this post has thoroughly exhausted me. I rest my case.