Point is, I think we can all imagine a time when we've found ourselves drawn to tragedy that has nothing to do with ourselves. Why is that? Because viewing someone else's pain from a distance, being removed from it, allows us to experience a catharsis of sadness and also allows us to feel grateful that the tragedy didn't happen to us.
So per usual, I started to think about how this applies to social justice and marginalized groups. And wouldn't you know, it turns out the borrowing other people's lives and cultures, especially their pain associated with the oppression and criminalization of their lives and cultures, IS NOT A NICE THING.
Appropriation is a really wide topic, so I wanted to just focus on appropriation of pain. So that means specifically trying to insert yourself into a marginalized group in an attempt to feel their pain or make yourself some sort of martyr for that group.
And who else is a more perfect candidate for this social justice no-no than straight allies? Let's talk about what is so morbidly wrong, and actually harmful to the LGBTQ community, about straight allies.
1. Straight people already have enough social space of their own. So straight allies, GTFO of ours!!!
LGBTQ spaces are created for many reasons, but some of those include providing physical and emotional safety for our community. Any spaces - physical, social, written, etc.- that revolve around the LGBTQ community are created because we need bonds, support, validation, and visibility. STRAIGHT PEOPLE DO NOT NEED THIS. You get validation for your sexuality every day since the day you're born, you have visibility in literally everything, and you don't really need support for a sexuality that is the social "norm".
The full acronym (that I'm aware of and is by no means official as identities are always being renamed, reclaimed, and realized) is LGBTTQQIAPP and I'd argue +D for demi. And what does that A stand for? Asexual. Is there another A for allies? Hell fucking no. By including yourself in the LGBTQ acronym or community, you are basically stating that you feel entitled to a safe space when you're already safe. Under the guise of social justice and empathy you are taking resources and space from those who truly need it. Be an ally but do social justice work in your own lane not ours.
2. Straight people literally directly experience 0% of the pain and struggle of coming out or self-identifying as queer.
There have been too many damn times when I've experienced straight allies showing up to LGBTQ events and getting on a soap box dramatic monologue about their struggle of supporting their gay friend or lesbian sister. I've seen straight people literally cry at public events when telling the story of finding out their brother was gay or that one time they said "I accept you" to their queer bff. What the literal fuck is wrong with you?
Coming out to yourself, friends, family, anyone is an extremely hard process that often leads to people being kicked out of their homes, harassed at work, or physically/sexually abused. Straight people experience NONE of this. I don't care if it was hard on your family to find out your brother was gay, you're not gay, you're not living it, you're not the one that could potentially be harassed or hurt. Straight people that come into LGBTQ spaces and then take up time and resources with their faux martyrdom are absolute trash. Don't try to pretend you understand any of the pain LGBTQ individuals go through, you will literally never know. So stop speaking over our pain.
Another group that comes to mind when thinking about the appropriation of pain is those who so self-righteously inflict white guilt upon themselves.
1. White guilt distracts the conversation from being about the real issues of racism.
If you use spaces dedicated to discussing issues of racism to voice your deep emotional pain and guilt over your ancestors being hugely racist, bigoted assholes, then you yourself are an asshole. Living with a history of your people being enslaved, unjustly murdered, and systemically oppressed is uncountably more times distressing than knowing your dear great great grandad Elmer Mayo-Smith was a racist bag of dicks.
By feeling white guilt, or believing it is even really a thing, you are 1. stating that racism is a thing of the past that only your ancestors took part in when FALSE racism is very much fucking alive today and 2. that your pity party is more important than the real mistreatment and oppression of people of color. Literally, you are insanely privileged if you are white, so stop trying to make the conversation about you. Issues of racism apply to people of color and how they experience the world. Give people of color the space and strength to voice these experiences, frustrations, thoughts, etc. since they are the one's who are oppressed daily. Use your privilege to aid people of color in these efforts NOT use your privilege to paint yourself as the victim when you are the farthest thing from one in terms of racism.
2. White guilt is racist in that it attempts to trump white pain/guilt over the real, historical oppression/victimization/criminalization of black people.
If you think your pathetic white pain is more worthy of being voiced that real systemic oppression, physical violence, and negative stereotyping of people of color than you my friend ARE RACIST.
You are taking vocal space away from people of color by voicing your misplaced white guilt. You are physically taking up space, that you have already been privileged with your entire life, that could be used by people of color to voice their real-life experiences, a space that they have been historically denied and pushed out of.
You are inserting yourself into a space that people of color have fought long and hard to have and create for themselves. You are appropriating their pain, stealing their voice, and derailing the conversation of racism to be about you because you think you are more important. You're about as racist as your old grandad Mayo-man.
Okay so this all sounds like a huge bummer, right? Awww but Bailey...I'm just trying to help...how am I supposed to be a good ally and advocate for the LGBTQ and POC communities? The answer is simple, my friends. You sit down and shut up. You do not get a gold ribbon and a pulpit for a personal dramatic monologue for being an empathetic, decent human being. You do not need to constantly voice your "support" for marginalized groups. We have our own voice and we need a space to let it be heard. We can't do that if you're constantly blabbing about what a great ally your are and how it personally takes a toll on you to support your gay friend or think about your racist grandpa Mayo. So just settle down and share the space.
And who else is a more perfect candidate for this social justice no-no than straight allies? Let's talk about what is so morbidly wrong, and actually harmful to the LGBTQ community, about straight allies.
1. Straight people already have enough social space of their own. So straight allies, GTFO of ours!!!
LGBTQ spaces are created for many reasons, but some of those include providing physical and emotional safety for our community. Any spaces - physical, social, written, etc.- that revolve around the LGBTQ community are created because we need bonds, support, validation, and visibility. STRAIGHT PEOPLE DO NOT NEED THIS. You get validation for your sexuality every day since the day you're born, you have visibility in literally everything, and you don't really need support for a sexuality that is the social "norm".
The full acronym (that I'm aware of and is by no means official as identities are always being renamed, reclaimed, and realized) is LGBTTQQIAPP and I'd argue +D for demi. And what does that A stand for? Asexual. Is there another A for allies? Hell fucking no. By including yourself in the LGBTQ acronym or community, you are basically stating that you feel entitled to a safe space when you're already safe. Under the guise of social justice and empathy you are taking resources and space from those who truly need it. Be an ally but do social justice work in your own lane not ours.
2. Straight people literally directly experience 0% of the pain and struggle of coming out or self-identifying as queer.
There have been too many damn times when I've experienced straight allies showing up to LGBTQ events and getting on a soap box dramatic monologue about their struggle of supporting their gay friend or lesbian sister. I've seen straight people literally cry at public events when telling the story of finding out their brother was gay or that one time they said "I accept you" to their queer bff. What the literal fuck is wrong with you?
Coming out to yourself, friends, family, anyone is an extremely hard process that often leads to people being kicked out of their homes, harassed at work, or physically/sexually abused. Straight people experience NONE of this. I don't care if it was hard on your family to find out your brother was gay, you're not gay, you're not living it, you're not the one that could potentially be harassed or hurt. Straight people that come into LGBTQ spaces and then take up time and resources with their faux martyrdom are absolute trash. Don't try to pretend you understand any of the pain LGBTQ individuals go through, you will literally never know. So stop speaking over our pain.
Another group that comes to mind when thinking about the appropriation of pain is those who so self-righteously inflict white guilt upon themselves.
1. White guilt distracts the conversation from being about the real issues of racism.
If you use spaces dedicated to discussing issues of racism to voice your deep emotional pain and guilt over your ancestors being hugely racist, bigoted assholes, then you yourself are an asshole. Living with a history of your people being enslaved, unjustly murdered, and systemically oppressed is uncountably more times distressing than knowing your dear great great grandad Elmer Mayo-Smith was a racist bag of dicks.
By feeling white guilt, or believing it is even really a thing, you are 1. stating that racism is a thing of the past that only your ancestors took part in when FALSE racism is very much fucking alive today and 2. that your pity party is more important than the real mistreatment and oppression of people of color. Literally, you are insanely privileged if you are white, so stop trying to make the conversation about you. Issues of racism apply to people of color and how they experience the world. Give people of color the space and strength to voice these experiences, frustrations, thoughts, etc. since they are the one's who are oppressed daily. Use your privilege to aid people of color in these efforts NOT use your privilege to paint yourself as the victim when you are the farthest thing from one in terms of racism.
2. White guilt is racist in that it attempts to trump white pain/guilt over the real, historical oppression/victimization/criminalization of black people.
If you think your pathetic white pain is more worthy of being voiced that real systemic oppression, physical violence, and negative stereotyping of people of color than you my friend ARE RACIST.
You are taking vocal space away from people of color by voicing your misplaced white guilt. You are physically taking up space, that you have already been privileged with your entire life, that could be used by people of color to voice their real-life experiences, a space that they have been historically denied and pushed out of.
You are inserting yourself into a space that people of color have fought long and hard to have and create for themselves. You are appropriating their pain, stealing their voice, and derailing the conversation of racism to be about you because you think you are more important. You're about as racist as your old grandad Mayo-man.
Okay so this all sounds like a huge bummer, right? Awww but Bailey...I'm just trying to help...how am I supposed to be a good ally and advocate for the LGBTQ and POC communities? The answer is simple, my friends. You sit down and shut up. You do not get a gold ribbon and a pulpit for a personal dramatic monologue for being an empathetic, decent human being. You do not need to constantly voice your "support" for marginalized groups. We have our own voice and we need a space to let it be heard. We can't do that if you're constantly blabbing about what a great ally your are and how it personally takes a toll on you to support your gay friend or think about your racist grandpa Mayo. So just settle down and share the space.
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